


Be Fearless

by Mysteryred



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012)
Genre: F/M, Family, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-27
Updated: 2016-01-29
Packaged: 2018-04-11 13:41:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 20
Words: 37,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4437650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mysteryred/pseuds/Mysteryred
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of thoughts, memories, and moments between Leo and Karai; as she searches to find herself, make peace with her past and somehow adjust to her new life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Whispers

~ Be fearless in the pursuit of what sets your heart on fire. ~

-unknown

   

 Warm golden rays seeped through my bed of field grass.  The earth, damp beneath me, smelled of soil.  It had been a wretched hot summer day, humid and breezeless.  Had the human side of me not been sweating, and my blood been heated from the sun’s relentless shine like it would in my natural state, I would’ve stayed in the mowed grass back at the farm.  Here, so close to the pond, it was cooler, yet I could still soak up those perfect beams of light.  

And I had been, for most of the afternoon, drinking up the seconds of peace, however fleeting they may be. I’d reminisced over a variety of things, my childhood, my brothers, my home, where things began, while wondering where they were headed.  I remembered the last time we were here, but not the way my brothers did.  I’d been unconscious for most of it.  What I recalled was waking up in a bathtub, followed by the struggle to heal and recondition my body… that and to let daggers of defeat drive the rest of the way in, right to the bone.  My fingers dug into the soft black soil beneath them, the mud squishing and sliding along my palm.  A bitter-tasting word, defeat, it was like a massive pill that never got any easier to swallow.  

Now though, I thought, rubbing my smudge-covered hand over a patch of grass, the mud marring the myriad of green blades, it was someone else recuperating.  My gaze shifted from the mess I’d made of the previously perfectly upright strands of emerald, like willowy soldiers bending beneath the weight of an opponent greater than they.   

The sky was high above me, free of clouds, the sun a brilliant orange sphere with smoldering vapors outlining it. If only everything could be as clear as the sky on this day.  If only I had Michelangelo’s optimistic spirit, so bright and encouraging. Even as I looked over my shoulder, worried about what was behind us, he’d never stopped looking ahead.  He was a beacon, constantly guiding us with his endlessly effervescent light.  

Perhaps, if I was a genius like Donnie, I could cure myself of this damn ailment.  Although, it would seem that it either hadn’t occurred to him to create one, or he’d already tried, and even he couldn’t make a solution for this… distraction.  

Maybe if I had Raphael’s ability to shut myself off, not that I thought it was healthy, to drive everyone away, to hold them at arm’s length and never let anyone in… if I could put up walls around me, then I wouldn’t be feeling the way I do.  

Then I could be the clear and focused leader they need me to be, then I could see her as one of my- No.  I didn’t have the luxury of leading soldiers.  The warriors I was responsible for, they were my family, my brothers, my friends, and what did that make Karai?  My sister?  My stomach turned; that was a whole other set of problems.  

“Ugh, Leo, what are you doing?”  I pinched the space between my eyes, and squinted them shut.  Taking a few cleansing breaths I let my thoughts settle where I knew they were inevitably headed: on the exotic Japanese girl who’d thrust herself into my life with a ferocity equal to my red-masked brother.  The very girl who’d tempted me from my honor the first night I’d met her.  A small smile toyed at the corners of my lips.  But I’d withstood her charms… that night.  Sort of.  I didn’t steal the sword, but she had gotten into my head, and in many ways that was worse.  

Those fawn colored eyes had a shine to them, a zeal for something perhaps she herself did not know.  Her eyes had been bright and vibrant, although far from innocent.  Her lips a thin cherry colored line, her tongue as sharp as a razors edge, and yet I’d let her lure me in… and my mouth had watered with the desire to taste her.  I groaned, squirming a bit, mashing my lips against one another as the familiar ache filled them.  

That hair, those black strands, intermingling with the blonde beneath, surely they must be delicate.  Would I ever know?  I swallowed hard, not noticing my fingers digging into the soil again.  That lithe body, all curves beneath her Foot uniform.  That damn black garb.  I swiped more mud over the fallen soldiers, my fingers brushing my katana this time.  I sat up, mesmerized by my reflection shining up at me from within the well polished steel, resting in a nest of green.  

The blue of my mask was deeper than that of the sky, and I thought it a soothing, cool shade. The way my disposition should’ve been, had been, prior to her.  My cobalt colored eyes were bloodshot, despite my afternoon of rest, probably from sitting up holding her all night.  How far she’d fallen, how much she’d endured…

She’d been just a bored, lonely, rebellious girl when I met her.  I knew what I was to her too.  I’d been a stupid kid, caught in the cross-hairs of the first kunoichi I’d ever met, and a beautiful, mysterious one at that.  But there had been something, an intuitive voice that whispered to me, and like the fool I was, my heart was open and I’d listened.

  _There’s good in her._

 How I’d come to hate that little voice.  The same voice that usually guided me, and in turn I my team, successfully out of danger, it had betrayed me.  It had poisoned me, or maybe she had.  She’d gotten under my shell like the ant tickling my shoulder just under the ridge of my carapace.  I knew it was there, but I couldn’t reach it, so I’d given up, opting to endure it.  

She was an unwanted distraction, a dangerous one at that.  The edges of my mouth tipped up again and I ran my fingers over the blades, smudging them.  She was the best I’d ever met with a katana.  Sparring with her caused a ripple in my usually still waters.  By the end of a match I was a tsunami inside, the clash of steel equivalent of a gusting wind, the flash of her eyes a wave rising, the set of her mouth thrusting rough waters to their peak…

“Ow!” I glanced down at my mud-covered hand, the shine of my blades blurred beneath the soil, smeared over them while a trickle of crimson worked its way from where the edge met with my palm.  The bright red slipped across the mess; blood, water, light, dark… it was all connected, pushing and pulling, like the ever changing seasons and weather.  

I released the blade, turning my palm to look at it.  Damaged.  We were damaged.  She was just shy of poison, a drug, and I was hooked.  Never before had anyone taken such a hold on me, and at first it hadn’t been that riveting.  Yes, I’d been enthralled by her feminine wiles, fascinated, curious.  But my heart had not yet embraced her.  Then I discovered who she was.  My Sensei’s daughter.  She belonged with us.  She was family.  Part of my family, and trapped within the walls of my enemy’s compound.  And the voice blew in my ear again…

_You can help her Leo._

We succeeded.  How I loved that word.  Victory.  I glanced at the coagulating blood in my palm.  Yes, victory tasted sweet, rolled off the tongue nicely.  Some scars, in battles that rang with bells of joy at the end, those were worn with pride.  

But no sooner had we brought her home than she was tempted away by the unsatisfied thirst for revenge.  While I understood that desire, that need, that drive, her attempt was in haste and ended in her mutation.  My gaze shifted from my slight wound, the dull throbbing more of a discomfort, an annoyance, than anything, to look at my muddy blade, smeared with my stains.  Those blades sliced through the air many a time, singing a death song to an enemy, guiding them to their swift end.  Yes, they were tarnished with my sins, even though I polished them, sharpened them diligently.  If my blades had been quicker, if I had been swift like a cheetah, or could fly like an eagle…  Maybe then… my breath hitched… my heart ached, the familiar lump worked its way into my throat and I cursed it from within.

How much she had suffered, not only the mutation, but her whole life.  I’m sure her childhood was isolated.  And in many ways so was my own, but I had brothers to keep me company.  She had no one, no mother, no friends to my knowledge, and a villain for what she thought to be her father.  What could he have taught her?  To hate?  Well, he failed.  I caught sight of my canines amid the mess on my precious sword, and flinched ever so slightly.  I would never fall into his pit.  No, I was honor-bound, and she was in desperate need to live by a dignified code.  She wanted better.  She deserved better.

Being a mutant snake was not better.  I could almost feel those smooth, cool scales beneath my fingers, see that pearl-color sheen reflecting the moonlight, her poor serpent hands lashing out at me… When she spoke I thought my heart would break for the feeble sound of her voice—she’d given up—and that look in her eyes, that despair… well, it only steeled my resolve.  Time and again she’d slipped out of my fingers, but I would not give up.  I sighed, shook my head, and noticed an ant trudging along carrying a wild blackberry three times its size on its back.  The weight of his burdens wasn’t crushing him.  I swallowed my failure to Karai; I had an opportunity to help her now, and I would not let her down.  Not again.  I’d never give up.  

A slight breeze rustled the tall blades of grass and I heard the universe whispering, a perfect echo of that tiny voice…

_She belongs with you Leonardo._

 

 

   

 


	2. Lost

~ Sometimes when you lose your way, you find yourself. ~

-Mandy Hale

 

_The littered concrete beneath my coiled, smooth belly was hard, cold, solid.  The park was silent, save for the rustle of trash that flittered and skipped across the ground like tumbleweeds and the creak of the Ferris wheel cars swinging on rusty hinges.  It was a bitter wind, one that left my lukewarm breaths hanging in soft white clouds before my slits of a nose.  I hissed involuntarily, and the sensation served to soothe the primal beast slowly claiming me, while making my stomach turn, for I knew the response was inhuman, wrong._

_Everything about me was wrong.  The way I slithered on my stomach, how my hands were gone and in their place were serpent heads, hissing and biting at me when they got hungry.  Hunger.  In my beastlike state I craved fur, flesh, and muscle, feet, and tail.  Rats.  Clawing and shrieking on their way down my throat.  To my pure repulsion, they tasted good.  They satisfied me.  And I wanted to vomit at the same time I swallowed them whole.  Human.  Beast.  Human.  Monster.  What had I become, and why was my humanity drifting away too?  Because it was, slipping away like a boat freed from its anchor.  My soul screamed, pounding against my insides, pleading to be free of this cage, this vessel.  This trap.  Because that’s what I was, trapped._

_With every passing sunset, sunrise, sunset again, I drifted further, losing hope, gradually surrendering to my new form and its basic desires.  And I thought, with the moonrise of one particular night, how alone I was.  But then in so many ways, I always had been.  A motherless child, tutored, trained, taught to be ruthless and deadly.  Shredder’s lecture had been brief, in response to my pleading for a pet, something to love and care for: “Don’t be ridiculous.  A kunoichi cannot afford emotions; they leave you open, vulnerable.  Close that door Karai.  Be one with what you are.”  When I scoffed at the irony of that memory, a hiss spilled from my throat and tears slipped down my scaled cheeks, the truth was; I didn’t know who I was before, so there wasn’t much of me to lose now._

_That liar.  My heart ached, that damned thief.  He’d stolen me from my birth father, robbed me of my childhood.  And every word he’d fed me, he believed; all he’d told me, he truly believed. It was all a lie._   _  
_

_Lies.  My entire life was a nest of lies, not one feather of truth among the fractured walls, the twigs once packed tight slowly snapping apart, making way for the truth.  A truth that could do little for me.  It would seem Shredder had won._

_I was a beast, the very creature that would hunt my birth father in his mutant rat state, for food.  I cringed and my tail rattled.  I’d become the perfect predator.  Wouldn’t Shredder bask in the glow of such a victory?  He’d relish it like fine caviar if I took my own father out because of him.  The stones, that were most likely pieces of my bones, shook in my tail and I quickly wove the tip among the other coils of my length.  My head drooped, coming to rest over my body, as heavy to hold up as my heart to beat._

_There was one thing that brought me comfort on those cold, solitary nights.  Thoughts of a turtle boy with courage in his heart, nobility and honor abound.  He’d saved me, several times.  Even seeing me in such a state he’d wanted to help me.  Who does that?  Who cares that much, becomes that devoted?  And why?  I’d done little on his behalf; if anything I’d stirred up more trouble for him.  Yet the foolish boy never stopped trying, never gave up.  Did he not see?  What I’d become?  What I was to begin with?  Nothing.  A damned void, a shell of a being.  A shell of a being.  A shell…_

_An empty shell as opposed to one whose strength, agility, and passion runneth over.  There was enough volume to Leonardo to fill his heart to the brim, and enough naivety to let me close enough to fracture it.  Because that’s what I’d do.  I’d destroy him, along with what was left of me in the process._

_Yet I fixated on memories of him to keep me company, to bring me solace, that while my life was inevitably over, someone had cared for me in it.  However strange and inhuman he was.  He cared.  He believed.  He had hope.  I gazed at the unusually clear night, the moon a paper-white full circle hanging bare in the sky, no stars to be found.  It was strange seeing the city truly dark at night, for since the invasion there’d been no power.  The city that never slept lay in an unsettling slumber; dark silhouettes of skyscrapers were barely visible in the pitch.  The sound of the ocean lapping the shore in a steady rhythm helped quiet the voices in my head, and I could just picture him._

_Emerald green skin, lightly pebbled with what would’ve been scales prior to his mutation, taut around each well defined muscle.  His shell nicked and scarred in places, slightly grooved, like ridges, in a rich honey brown that I wanted to run my fingers over.  Those piercing cobalt blue eyes draped in a royal blue mask, and I wondered what it was made of, that mask, the worn, threadbare scrap of fabric.  His voice would echo in my head, repeating things that he’d said to me._

_“There’s goodness in you, Karai.  I know it.”_

_And my heart would swell in the rigid muscle of my deformed body, a lump would rise in my tube-like throat, and human tears would drip onto the earth below.  That ghost of a voice was a wretched melody in my head, one that provoked my will to fight, to prove Shredder wrong. While at the same time it fueled my desire for Leonardo, because he believed in me.  He always had, and I wanted to search him, to explore what was between us, to know what it meant and why he made me feel anything at all.  No one else had ever given me a second thought.  No one wanted better for me, no one cared for me, all that I knew was lies, and I’d been used, was being used right then.  I was a deathtrap.  I was a tool, a weapon, like a sword wielded in the most skilled of hands.  I was dangerous._

_But somewhere deep inside, perhaps in my shriveling, dying soul, was this inkling of hope, that Leo could wield me like his weapon, into something better.  And I drifted off to sleep at night, heart aching, clinging onto the tiny fading light that was my humanity, hoping for a miracle._

One that actually came.  

In so many ways he was my white knight, well green.  He came for me, again, and again, and amidst failure he found strength and courage to rally and try yet again.  He would not give up, even when I wanted to.  Then he succeeded.  Pulled me from the cell Shredder had trapped me in, ripped me free of that liar’s mind control, and immersed me in his brother’s care.  I was transformed.  I was me, human, again.  

One would think that I would be overjoyed, jubilant, celebrating.   But nightmare after flashback, flashback after nightmare, I was crumbling.  Unable to wrap my mind around the mess of my life, from its twisted beginning, I gained no ground, to its beast shaped memories.  I could find nothing to explain to my body what it had been through and what it now was.  As I lay in bed at night, clinging to sweat soaked sheets, shivering beneath the chill of the lair, screaming into the dark, he came, he held me, and I crumbled.  I was broken.  I. Am. Broken.  And I knew, even if we both wanted, we could never be, because I would not let my fate be his.

Then Splinter, my father-- Oh my head.  Father.  Father, the thief liar, or father, the honorable man whose child was stolen from him?  The latter.  These thoughts are of the latter.  He decided we needed to leave the city for a while, to help me readjust.  

And I found myself weaving my way through the tall grass, after my third day there of nonstop sleep, letting the seeds at the tips of the blades sift through my fingers.  While an odd breeze stirred the otherwise stagnant summer air, I heard a faint whisper, felt it in my heart, despite my resolve…

_You belong with him Karai._

 

 

 

 

 


	3. Change

Life is about change.  

Sometimes it’s painful,

sometimes it’s beautiful,

but most of the time it’s both.

\- Unknown

 

 Her footfall could have been silent if that had been her desire.  While she wasn’t reaching for ninja stealth, she still moved with an artist’s grace.  Thin stalks of grass parted either side of her milk-colored legs, a sight I had yet to get used to.  So accustomed was I to seeing her covered.  I marveled at her strength for she was a slight creature, of delicate bone, and surely tender flesh.  Yet I had witnessed her skill, her agility, indeed, even her speed.  She was a force to contend with, despite the petite size of her, capable of inflicting serious damage.  

How her lip would curl as she feasted her eyes upon her enemy, a vicious expression like a panther stalking its prey.  Her dark, sweeping brows would draw together, her shoulders would square, and if her slender fingers weren’t wrapped around the hilt of her blade; they were resting on her hip.  So frail, yet so fierce, she was a deadly combination.  A flush blossomed beneath my plastron and I wondered if the slight breeze had died.  

Bronze colored eyes flickered to my face then drifted down to my injured palm.  She hadn’t spoken much, since we brought her home.  Now would be no exception.  She blinked as if trying to process what she was seeing.  Her chin lifted and her gaze swept over the top of the floating chartreuse blades standing upright, and still.  The rings beneath her eyes were dark, shadows, harsh against her otherwise porcelain complexion.  Her cheeks had hollowed, she’d picked at everything offered to her to eat.  It was painful to look at the wraith she’d become, knowing the wildfire that had blazed within her; once threatening to consume everything in her path.  

Accepting that I had inflicted this wound upon myself, she knelt beside me and I wondered what she must think.   _How could he be so foolish?  Did he do this deliberately?  Who harms themselves with their own weapon, Leonardo?_  Yet she said none of those things, and in truth I did not recognize the individual beside me; because there was just shy of nothing familiar about her.  Not at the moment.  Tentative fingers brushed my bicep as she worked free the scrap of fabric I kept tied there.  My heart sputtered at the fleeting touch, so sweet and airy it was, like a butterfly’s wings.  

Her voice cracked when she spoke as if it had been so seldom used it had forgotten how to function.  “This should be cleaned.”

She wrapped the fabric around the wound, her knuckles tapping into my thick semi-curled fingers as she tied off the bandage.  A sigh escaped her parted lips as she finished her work and sank back onto her haunches, before coming to rest herself in the green alongside me.

Silence wasn’t something either of us were uncomfortable with, not given who we were.  We couldn’t see the pond for the height of grass surrounding us.  But I could hear the bullfrogs croak followed by a plunk of water.  Somewhere within the trees lining the meadow a bobwhite called his name.  I always thought it peculiar that an animal would go about calling his own name.  Nevertheless the two of us, human and turtle, remained silent.  I wouldn’t push her to talk.  She deserved the space, to sift through her thoughts.  I would be there, ready, and willing to give her whatever she required; if she could only find the strength to ask.  Perhaps she didn’t know what to ask for…  

I listened to the subtle rhythm of quiet inhales and exhales.  As a stabbing pain needled its way through my heart for the sounds she made, with every breath, the hurt she elicited.  Even her breaths were grief-stricken, laced with burdens, threaded with lies; tied up tight with something I could not explain.  From where I sat, she was a victim, a pawn, and I think she knew it too.  There were mistakes, but those were founded in a sea of confusion.  She was drowning in the wake of what the man she’d trusted had done to her. And while my hands balled into fists, blood seeping through the bandage, I refused to fault her for them.  

There we sat, side-by-side, yet miles apart, breathing the same air, sharing a bed of grass, when her head gradually tipped to the side and she drifted toward me.  Her shoulder came to press against my bicep, her inky locks resting on my shoulder.  My fingers, while buried into my palms, throbbed with the need to hold her.  But I decided she had to be allowed to take for a while, before I could reach for my own heart’s desires.  Even then, if that time should come, I didn’t know if I should.

I wondered what she might be thinking, if anything at all; maybe she simply savored the rest.  She’d slept so much, yet still appeared forlorn.   How does the caterpillar break free of the spider’s sticky, intricately woven web?  It would seem she had physically achieved such a feat, but mentally… Mentally!  That’s it!  

I straightened abruptly, jarring her. “That’s it!” I announced, “I know what we’re going to do!”

She grumbled, drawing her knees up, wrapping her arms around her long legs.  Her chin rested pitifully on them, her eyes set on the mud beneath her sneakers.  

We’d all tiptoed around her, took her away from the city that overshadowed her, held her down, kept her back.  She needed to be the caterpillar.  She was already in a cocoon and needed to push her way out.  Rushing to my feet I looked down at her, “Get up, Karai, we need to pack and I need to speak to Sensei.”

So withdrawn was the girl I adored that she did not acknowledge me, her muted gaze fixed on the pool squishing beneath the pressure of her shoes.  My muscles coiled, my fingers delving into the wound to my palm, the scrap of fabric doing little to stop me.  Oh, the things I wanted to yell at her.  The things I would, when the time was right.  Now though, I couldn’t.  Not that she would fall apart, that would have at least been something.  No.  Right now, she just… existed.  That was it.  

Well, not anymore, this would be the end of that.  

While she remained unmoving I closed my eyes, focusing on slowing my breath and in turn my rapidly beating heart.  When I felt my muscles fall slack, the tightening in my chest release, I bent over, scooped her up and threw her over my shoulder.  Then my heart sank like an arrow-struck bird falling from the sky, because she didn’t resist, she didn’t utter a thing.  She’d resigned herself to my will.  

I marched through the grassland, the wisps tangling around my calves, swishing as they parted; and I heard words falling from my lips that I didn’t recall thinking.  “So you give up do you?  Well I won’t give up, Karai.  I’ll fight for you, with you, alongside you.  You will find your feet, we’ll do it together.  You want to just quit, well, that’s fine for this walk home but when we leave it next, you’ll march back on your own, stronger than ever and ready for anything.”  

The scent of lavender and rose otto drifted up as I strode home, wafting in through my snout, filling my head, thrilling my heart.  How badly I wanted to hold her to me, to feel her against me, to love her freely.  I pressed my lips together.  Stay focused Leo.  She needs you.  

I could just see the broken bird, shot down, lying in a heap at my feet; a perfect image in my head as I moved in swift strides, carrying us to the farmhouse.  Its feathers were perfect, elegant, its wings light and powerful, its eyes open yet blinking.  A wretched arrow ran through its torso, blood pooling around the rod, scarlet tracing the length of the shaft, dripping off the triangular tip.  I’d carry her home, then lead her back out again, help her find herself.  Help her heal.  Because that’s what I did, that’s who I was.  I would be the wind that she sailed upon, she would rise above this.  Yes.  She. Would.  I nodded.  She would.  

“You’re going to be just fine, Karai,” I told her as we neared the house.  

She may not like me on this journey, but she’ll be better for it by the end.  There was a fluttering in my chest, at the same time a phantom breeze ghosted my flesh, and I heard it again…

_The path is winding…_

 

   

 


	4. Wonderwall

Wonderwall

I don’t believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding

And all the lights that lead us there are blinding

There are many things that I would like to say to you but I don’t know how

~ Oasis ~

 

      I’d never been clear as to whether it was tree frogs or cicadas rattling throughout the hottest of summer days.  The brothers would speak and I could not hear them through the prattling on in my head.  Sometimes the noise was so loud I couldn’t hear my own thoughts.  At the moment, that suited me just fine.  

     The smooth dirt path narrowed before us, as if the brush sought to cover it, hide it away like a well kept secret.  Tiny sprays of light dashed along the way, our shadows bending them, distorting their golden perfection.  Leo led the way, as he should, because I didn’t care.  This whole pointless trek was his idea anyway.  

_She needs a spirit quest sensei._

     Spirit quest?  Please.  I was a master of my art at thirteen.  But I hadn’t argued, because in truth I didn’t care what they did with me.  My throat hurt like there was a rat lodged inside it, scratching it bare; my heart had taken up residence beneath the rock where my stomach should be; and I had grown accustomed to it.  I’d wake in the morning expecting nothing less.  

     The world surrounding me had a film over it, tacky and clouded.  The countless shades of green that filled my field of vision were muted in my eyes.  What should have been brilliant, beautiful shades of lime, olive, and emerald, were doused in varying shades of charcoal and ash.  Yet, to my surprise, tiny beams of light still managed to pierce the shadows, but whatever lay beneath them never seemed to shine the color it should.  Dirt, mud, bark, stone, and somehow gold were the only colors my world possessed at the moment.

     Leo swiped his katana ahead clearing the overgrown brush before us.  The branches crackled and snapped like bones, the leaves quivered and shook in protest, but their screams fell silent on his ears.  I reached for the severed limbs, running my fingers over their jagged edges; sap oozed from some, but not all.  A great ache built in my chest, one that forced my fingertips to brush the overturned leaves wilting in the heat; brutally cut off from their life source.  Stolen.  

     Their life had been stolen from them.  Just like mine.  A small spray of honeysuckle flower hung tangled among the dying arms.  When I reached for it, the petals fell from their stem, some in pieces, one whole.  I held the broken flower in my palm before shoving it in my pocket to glance at the fallen behind us, then forward to the path where Leo stood waiting for me, the world around him a little brighter.  We’d done this.  The limbs ahead were trembling, for once we passed through they too would lie dying in our wake.  My breaths came in short pants, my hand shifted to cover my stomach, and the world shifted on its axis.  We were the bringers of death.  Nothing more.

     I sought grounding as Leo moved silently towards me, his intense blue eyes searching.  He pressed his green lips together, biting back questions no doubt.  I felt a nudge of appreciation for the fact that he wasn’t chattering on, and that we’d ventured out alone, no complaining Raphael, no chipper chattering Mikey, and no encyclopedia Donatello.  Even my father stayed behind.  

     Leo reached for my backpack but I shrugged him off, stumbling a bit before falling into the brush.  Thorns bit into my flesh and burrs grabbed at my clothing as if attacking their enemy with all they had, and I did not resist.  I deserved their worst.  It would seem I was born to suffer.  A firm green hand wrapped around my shoulder, righted me on my feet, then thrust a bottle of water into my hand.    

     “We don’t go on until you drink every last drop of it,” he stated.

     Great, so not only would we trudge on demolishing everything in our way, but I would taint the earth with countless piss breaks too.  He kept his eyes on the top of my head and the weight of his stare did not bother me.  That would require effort.  I lifted the bottle to my lips, the clear liquid shimmering as it caught those precious rays, the perfect balm briefly soothing my wounded insides.  The relief would be fleeting, so I savored every last drop.

     He said nothing, took the bottle, put it back in my pack and set out on the trail again.  I ran my fingers over the various streaks of red on my arms, savoring the sting of them.  Because it was something… real.  Pain I understood.  It made sense, after all I’d endured so much of it.  

      My biceps thrummed with something else though, the impression left upon them by two large fingers and a thumb.  As my feet moved, one, two, one, two, over the dirt, soft brown puffs rising up beneath my sneaker; my thoughts shifted to the boy five feet ahead of me.  He was making his way down the path, tuned in to every sound, every presence, ever obstacle, all the while planning something.  To save me, no doubt.  I scoffed and his head briefly turned in my direction.  

    The corner of his mouth inched upward slightly, a familiar gleam to the muted cornflower blue of his eye.  He turned forward again, swiping his sword at the thickest brush yet and I wondered if we weren’t lost.  But as the bodies lie broken around where he stood victorious and not the least out of breath, sweat glistening on his brow, I could see behind him.  

    “Make camp here,” he announced.

    He stepped to the side as I gravitated toward the clearing, a vast span of pasture, grass as tall as my shoulder waving tops beckoning me to run through them.  On the other side were great hills so steep I thought they may be the base of the Adirondacks.  Then I realized.  They were.

    I couldn’t breathe for the panoramic scene before me.  Pine trees as far as I could see, clustered together creating a field of what I wished was a gorgeous pine green.  Yet through my eyes they were sweeping shadows of black.  I wasn’t sure if the clouds were kissing the tips of the peaks or if they were reaching up to embrace the swirls of white hanging low above them.  Either way, even in my black and white world, they were nothing to look away from.  

    Leo disappeared into the woods without saying a word.  I assumed he’d gone in search of something to start a fire with.  I managed to set up my tent but couldn’t stand being inside the small black nylon enclosure and collected small stones to make a circle for a fire pit.  As the bright golden orb settled between two peaks filling the surrounding sky with an orange hue that even I could not deny, I began to wonder if Leonardo was coming back.  

    Crickets joining chorus with cicadas gave me some reason to doubt; a slight chill raising gooseflesh over my arms, a little more.  I didn’t care if he did return.  I chewed on the inside of my cheek.  Did I?  He wouldn’t take me out in the woods and leave me.  He wouldn’t.  I let out a small huff.  Would he?  Wait.  Was he wearing his backpack when he left?  My eyes shifted from the burning sky to the bare scrap of land at the edge of the woods.  He did.  He wasn’t coming back.  He’d left me.  

    Unmoving I set my gaze back to the setting sun.  If I didn’t start a fire, there’d be nothing to keep the animals at bay.  If I didn’t reach in my backpack for the food we’d packed, or the water, I’d fade.  Eventually, I’d wither... I’d be weak when they came to pick me off.  Something in me stirred, uncomfortably.  My conscience nudged me…

    _Is that what you want Karai?_

    I don’t know how long I sat there.  My bottom was numb, the ground cold, hard, dirt coating my fingers with a layer not unlike the film I peered through.  Cicadas, tree frogs, crickets, the noise was deafening.  Lightning bugs took flight, like little fairies over the shadowed outlines of orchard grass, up into the moonless starlit pitch above me.  My eyes drifted up to the millions of stars, stars upon stars, little lights overlapping in clusters.  It was a fine sky to die under… a tiny little ember sparked to life deep in my gut, but I’d survived so much, lies, betrayal, misguidance, it’d be a pity to go down without a fight in the end.  

    My muscles urged me to move.  I had to find wood to burn.  Reaching for my flashlight, I moved to my feet.  It may be a fine night to die, but not for me, not tonight.  I wasn’t done, not yet.

    As I stepped into the woods I heard it again…

    _It is your path alone Karai._

   

 


	5. Hope

Hope is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul

And sings the tune without the words

And never stops at all

-Emily Dickinson

Through the thin black curtain of nylon, the tiny spaces between the threads, the sky lightened.  Dew settled within the tent, enveloping me in a blanket of moisture that brought a chill to my flesh.  The wretched robins’ cheerful cadence grated at my insides like stone rushed over bare knees, and I shuddered inside, wishing I could snap their little beaks shut.

As I lay in the flattened downy bag, shivering beneath the bite of early morning air, with miniscule beads of water clinging to everything; I cursed Leonardo for leaving me.  I’d spent so much time alone as a mutant, why would he think that abandoning me here, would help me?  Surely he was brighter than that.  

My fingers were curled beneath my cheek, my knuckles aching from where I’d clenched them in slumber.  Rolling to my back I held them before me, examining them, moving each individual digit; recalling the bizarre time when they’d acted of their own accord.  Now they were slender things, with bare short-clipped nails, and lightly bruised joints from punishing a bag; or maybe in some ways, myself.  

Sighing, I pushed myself up, rubbed my face and noticed something near the zippered entry.  It was a small dusty-gray book, wrapped in twine, at the center, tucked beneath a modest bow, was a black ink-pen.  I reached for the item, held it in my hands, felt the tiny bumps across the surface; like scales.  It had a little weight to it, not airy and light as a traditional composition.  As I slipped it free of its binding, the smooth, hard barrel rolled into my palm, bearing more mass than its counterpart. Instinctively my fingers wrapped around it, eager to drive it across the paper.  

Leo left this.  The low thud of my heart picked up pace.  He came back, in the night.  A tiny thrill coursed through me.  Did he stay?  Casting the items aside, tugging frantically at the zipper, I bolted from the damned one-room cage and stood panting in the center of my diminutive camp.  Spinning in a slow circle, the pathetic shelter, the smoldering ashes, the sienna clots of dirt beneath my bare feet; everything seemed to taunt me.  My lips trembled then bowed horribly.  

I was alone.

With a snort I snatched up a stone, launching it into the field.  A great cloud drew up from the rustling waves where it landed, like smoke ascending where there had been no fire.  Feathers beating the air beneath them echoed through the valley as crow’s cawed ending the robin’s song.  The birds darkened the ever-lightening sky, shutters being closed tight.  They circled and screeched, before coasting over my head, vanishing into the forest I’d emerged from.  

As their shadow receded, so with them went my fury.  Why?  Why would he do this to me?  Hadn’t I endured enough?  I pressed a fist to my lips, biting back the scream that threatened to erupt.  I thought he cared.  He was so determined.  Had I needed him too much?  Answers.  I deserved answers.  Surely every being I encountered in this lifetime would not betray me!  A whimper flew over the bridge of my hand and I bit harder, until it hurt enough to draw the ache from the pit in my gut.  There had to be an explanation for this.  I thought we were… together… he’d help me…

I blinked, until the heat in my eyes withdrew, back into the box marked ‘never again’.  Crying wouldn’t change my situation.  “Think Karai.  Think.”  As I closed my eyes, releasing my hand from the clench of my teeth, I cleared my mind of thoughts, staring into the black and gold swirls beneath my eyelids.  

Gravity drew me to the earth, I could feel her reaching up through my feet, filling me with more energy than what I’d had in months; and she demanded that I move forward.  She would accept nothing less, and I, left with no one to guide me, decided to follow her.

Numbly, I dressed, drank water, ate a granola bar, then set to packing my bag.  As I folded my bedroll the book tumbled out, landing with a silent pat at my feet, it felt like my heart followed.  My knees sought ground, my trembling fingers grasping at the book.  This time, I opened it.

_Karai,_

_I know you must feel abandoned, and I’m sorry for that.  I promise I will meet you on the other side once you find your way through.  And you will… find your way.  I could walk alongside you, but this is not my journey.  The answers you seek, I cannot give you. The battle that wages inside you is not my fight, and I won’t rob you of the victory.  Because in the end I know you will win.  I’d expect nothing less.  Fight Karai.  Get up, eat, sleep, breathe, climb, struggle, fall, and get up again.  Feel everything, embrace you; seek answers not within the confines of your past but in the arms of your future._

_You’re never really alone Karai.  You never were._

_Leo_

Somehow the journal felt even heavier now, almost as difficult to lift as my shoulders to straighten when I came to stand.  But I did stand, holding that book to my breast, clinging to it as if his arms were still around me.  I am not alone.  I am not alone.  My breaths came in deliberate long inhales and exhales. Then the scent hit me, the familiar, comforting aroma that caressed my soul like the arms that held me; night after night; one nightmare after the other.  

Sandalwood and steel.  

I lifted the edge of the book, just beneath my nose, and sniffed.  Leo.  The fragrance seeped from his pores, doused his sweat, bled from his wounds.  The significance of it was not lost on me.  It enhanced meditation, serving to help ground oneself in the… present.

The rich, woody, warm, slightly sweet scent coursed throughout, overwhelming me with the presence, the comfort of someone who wasn’t physically there.  Within that embrace I felt a strange ache beneath my breast, and my biceps remembered a phantom pressure where two fingers and a thumb had just yesterday pulled to my feet.  How many times had he pulled me to my feet?  Seldom had he been wrong about the most important of things.  He was being groomed to be a great leader, of my clan, the family I belonged to.  My jaw shifted.  

I hugged the book, breathed him in, then fumbled around on the ground for the pen.  That’s about enough wallowing in self-pity, Karai.  It’s time to get your act together.  Where did that damn thing go?  I sought the wet black corners when a dash of slender, rolling blue caught my eye.  The pen.  But wasn’t it black?  I held the navy object before me.  A deep rich blue, that reminded me of the night skies of my childhood, the first true color I’d seen in weeks, stared me in the face.

The realness, the vivid true clarity of the sapphire object, struck chords in me, strumming a melody that sounded similar to that of a robin’s song.  And for once the sound nurtured my insides, much like the water that soothed my wounded throat.  My surroundings grounded me, earth, book, air, breath, pen, water, life, my fire.

Without thinking I set the pen to the second page of my journal.

_I will not only find my voice, but myself; for this is a new beginning, a chance to discover who I am, who I want to be, to decide what my morals are, what I want for myself.  This is me, figuring out, who, I, am._

As I stepped out of the tent a breeze rushed over the valley, my heart began to beat a slow, steady churn; like something dead being summoned back to life, in need of repair.  Still, it worked.  For now, that was enough.  

My subconscious stirred, even quirked a sly grin, then lifted her eyebrow…

_Welcome back Karai…_

 


	6. Thistles and Ashes

 

~ In order to heal, you have to first be broken. ~

  * Renee Dyer




The insects were still at it.  Full force.  The damn sound resonated in my head with the sensation of having left a heavy metal concert.  Only I couldn’t escape it.  Now there were the damned plants in my path.  The field looked like a battleground, acres, upon acres, upon acres, packed tight with an army of vegetation; no end in sight.  From a distance it had seemed a meadow.  Now it was clearly a mess to be dealt with.  But then so was I.

Thistles were everywhere, nestled among various other weeds.  Someone who could see beyond the grayscale I endured would surely consider them wildflowers.  To me they were reminders of how one with my kunoichi nature I had become.  Not only did I live in shadow, I’d become one, viewed the world through its darkness, even gave it a body and eyes; mine. I could not see what I knew should be fuchsia blooms adorning the thorny plant, the one redeeming quality it had, those beautiful flame-shaped petals reaching for the sky; no, I saw a puff of white surrounded by long needle-like streaks of gray.  

And just like the wretched prickles jutting throughout the plants’ thick stalks, I was intolerable to those who’d surrounded me.  Only the insects and chickadees dare touch the plant, tiny enough to avoid getting stuck.  If anyone dare stray too close to me surely they’d endure my thorns too.  

Leo had certainly felt the steel of my blade at the tip of his throat more than once.  He’d been humiliated, captured, taunted, and used; by me.  The stone that was my stomach doubled in size and I felt the weight settle in my core, my abdominals clenching to hold me up.  I’d hung him in a cage; like a bird dangling from the ceiling, he’d glared at me through the bars.

_“You know I could make a killing on you.  I’m sure there’s a research facility that would just love to get their hands on a mutant talking turtle.”_

He was bait, for his brothers and in turn, their father.  The rock rose up to settle in my throat: their father, who turned out to be… my father.  Air rushed through my windpipe as I forced it in and out, desperate to dislodge the mass that choked me with emotions I’d been trained not to feel.  

I’d only wanted to avenge her.  Shredder told me Splinter had killed her. At the time, I didn’t know.  How could I have?  Mid-day sun bore down on my shoulders, so fierce and heavy the earth surrounding me seemed to sweat upward, distorting the outlines of everything just slightly.  I rubbed my face.  Lies.  Shredder had fed me lies, and he and they were all I’d ever known.  The flower towered over me, taunting me, daring me to try and go around it. Only there were more behind the plant, to its left and right.  Like sentries standing guard before the mountain, the pinnacle beyond.  

I stared hard at the sharp-edged flower, something churning within me, something that I’d ignored, suppressed, denied, lied about; and yet there it was still clawing its way up from my pit.  Determined.  That beast was determined to break free, and I knew as I reached toward the white bristles, clustered and safe within the razors that contained them, I would no longer fear its release.  

The petals were soft beneath my fingers, crushed beneath the pressure I applied as I plucked the blossom from its cradle; slipping my fist from the enclosure with only the tiniest of scratches across my belly where a longer branch struck me.  Opening my palm toward the sky the little feathers fell over my head, rained down, kissing my cheeks with their broken bodies.  If I were going to move on, to be free, I had to let it all come out, I had to get at the heart and soul of the matter.  I had to go where I’d never gone before.  Find out just what it was that was inside of me when I peeled back layers of lies, and took a good hard look at the truth.  My truth.  Whatever it was that was me.

The inevitable sting of the pins scraping me along the way, marks that might stay with me for the rest of my days, they were something I’d simply have to accept.  

But as I stepped forward into the brush, it did more than scrape my flesh, it ripped my clothing, tore at my gut. I became entangled in a fray of charcoal, lead, and ash, all that should have been vibrant luminous shades of green adorned with reds, pinks, purples and blues; shaped like stars, snowflakes, and lace, they brushed my body depositing pollen, insects, and oils that stung.  The monster within was ascending and I scrambled, realizing I was still afraid of it.  The word was working its way up toward my mouth and I pressed my lips together, frantic to suppress the sound of it.  I pushed my way deeper into the thick maze of plants taller than me, swallowing me into their hold with their spike-covered arms.  What did I fear of this word?  Why, when I’d spoken it before, did it frighten me now?  Why? Why?

In my confusion I sought the sky but could just see the white of it ebbing and flowing with my struggles.  I could foresee no way out, I could sense no escape, what I had was pollen coating my knuckles, smeared along my arms, mingling with something that stung and resembled oil.  The scent of it coated my nostrils and I could almost taste it in my mouth, powdery, granules, somewhat bitter yet slightly vitamin and sweet.  Who was she?  What was she like?  My heart picked up a frantic beat, and I thrust my way deeper into the fray.  What would we have done together?  My lips ached, and heat rushed to the back of my eyes.  I’d been so sure I could do this, I been so sure…

Would she have brushed my hair?  Instinctively I reached for my tanto, barbs catching my skin, ripping it so that jagged splashes of ink drizzled down my arms.  Would we have played dress up?  My fingers wrapped around the hilt of my weapon and I struck at the vines forcing them away from me.  Would she have told me stories?  My strikes took on a hacking rhythm, my teeth clenching as my thoughts closed in on me.  

Would I have had a pet?  I slashed through celery-shaped stalks, milk spilling from their insides.  What about a friend?  Sweat dripped down my temples, into my eyes, and they burned, stung like they’d been doused with poison.  Would there have been celebrations? My jaw shifted and I swung harder; leaves and sap splashed the air as the scent of cut grass encompassed me.  Would I have gone to school?  The air was stifling, thick with moisture, the brief glimpses of the pale gray sky now revealing the rolling gray army creeping in the distance.  Was she kind?  Something fell above me, tangled in my hair, and something with legs crept over my neck.  My skin crawled as my shoulders crept toward my ears.  Or was she ill-tempered like me?  With my free hand I snatched the broken flower loose from my locks, cast it aside, swatted the insect and continued my rampage.  Would she have bandaged my wounds? My blade caught air, made no contact with my enemy.  Would her fingers have run through my hair as she pulled me close and held me in her arms?

I struck again, still nothing.  Could I have crawled into her bed after a nightmare?  My body grew heavy, my sword finding no obstacle, waved recklessly before me.  Would she have comforted me?  I staggered. Hair clung to my cheeks as something wretched gathered in my eyes.  Would she have told me everything would be alright, after a bad day; how about right now?  My breath hitched, trapped in my throat, there would be no passing; the pressure was building.  Who was she?  And who would I have been, who would I be now, if I had known her?  My knees buckled, sank to the earth I’d left littered with broken spirits wilting in the torrid heat.  How could I grieve so horribly, hurt so deeply, ache so hopelessly for someone I had never known?  My sword slipped from my fingers.  I was left with only fantasies of what would not, could not, ever be.  Fingers opened, digging into the soil that lay beneath the death, the spines digging into my palms, the earth seeking its way up to meet my wounded flesh.  How could I feel this… _loss_ \- what had he taken from me?  The heat thrust upon me, the earth reached up through me, and somewhere in the middle I crumbled. My shoulders trembled, a strangled desperate sound rose from within.  Everything that a child should know, all that should have been mine, ours, my family, my—

I wept as the word dangled from my lips, then fell into the space as shapeless as the soul she was.  For one second the birds did not sing, the cicadas were silent, as my voice echoed through the valley albeit how low, and pitiful, the feeble sound.

“Mother.”

 

        

 


	7. Shadows

~ A painter should begin every canvas with a wash of black,

because all things in nature are dark

except where exposed to the light. ~

– Leonardo Da Vinci

 

“Ssss, hissss, ssss, hissss.”  

The serpent’s scaled white body, chilled and dense, slipped like a chain necklace; coiled tight around my neck.  His head nuzzled my ear, his tongue flitting in and out in whipping motions.  

“Ssssshadddoowwwssssss…”

When he whispered I listened; for I knew darkness well.  It was my home, my life, my curse.  At least, it had been.  In many ways it seemed it always would be.

Besides, I was relieved to hear something away from the maraca shakes of insects that ground in my head like a bad case of tinnitus.  I savored his sssweet ssssound, the tickle of his tongue, the wisdom in his amber eyes.  I should’ve shooed him away when he slithered in my tent, but in truth, I was pleased to see him.  

Although cured, certain serpentine habits lingered, a sticky residue in my veins.  My insides tingled with memories of sliding over warm earth, grass tickling my sides, my stomach dipping and rising over tiny stones… I still slept on my belly, now curled up where I used to coil; my body remembering its twist around the rough edged bark of a tree limb, leaves fluttering about my smooth, graceful form.  

In truth I hated the urges, to open my mouth and lick the air, to both smell and taste potential prey, to writhe around beneath everything and everyone; to swirl amid myself for some semblance of comfort.. I despised what I had become and the habits that still plagued me.  As if my life wasn’t complicated enough.

This serpent reminded me of those urges, of yet another tragic moment of my life.  Yet, where I should be loathing of him for some sick reason I wanted him with me.  His mouth was a tight thin line slightly upturned at the corners as if to smile, and I tilted my head, rubbed my cheek against the smooth surface of his.  

“Intertwined for life are we?” I queried as he slid across my body, twirling himself around my waist like a noodle.  Slowly he flexed his belly, tightening his grip.  He faced me; his head perched on his long neck like an upside-down noose hanging from the gallows.  The rattle base of his tail peeked among the spirals drawing taut around me.  

“Ssssshadowssss,” he hissed with a shake of his tail, the sound similar to coins rolling in a jar.  

Yes, shadows, my blight in life.  

I embraced the flexion, the air slowly pressing from my chest.  What should terrify me instead was a welcome embrace to a lonely soul.   _Yes, he’s an old friend._  He’s familiar and welcomed, existing in the same canopy of black as me.  Why not? Many things played in the night…

Deceit for instance, relished the gloom.  It set the tone for the act, painted a perfect picture for the moment.

_A rumble of thunder shook the tower as lightning flared the sky, illuminating the darkest of hours.  Rain pelted the windows, coming down sideways, matching the sudden and strange tilt of my world.  Even the universe seemed to know the truth._

_I held the tiny corner of the only photo I had of her carefully in my gloved hand, while Leonardo’s words burned the edges of my mind._

_“Your true father... Hamato Yoshi.”_

_I contemplated the fingers resting on my mother’s shoulder in the picture.  I’d always assumed they were Oroku Saki’s.  Could it be true?  Could Hamato Yoshi be my father?_

_“What troubles you Karai?”_

_“I want to know the truth, the truth about my mother… and Splinter.”_

_“You know the truth my daughter.  Hamato Yoshi took your mother away.”_

Funny thing about lies, they flow like blood in a map of veins, one bleeds into the next…  

_“I believe you Leonardo.  I believe that Splinter is my true father.”_

Only then, I really didn’t.  It was what I was trained to do.  Deceive.  Lie.  Misguide.  Lead astray.  They were all tricks in a kunoichi’s tidy little handbag.  

_I had no honor and even fewer friends…_ He squeezed tighter, my lungs burned to inhale, to drink in the chilled air that teased my flesh.  I wondered briefly how it would feel to draw it in, sweet oxygen, refreshing as cool water to a parched throat.  Thought maybe I never would again, fated to perish among the demons on their playground, never to escape.

Betrayal, too, favored pitch.  What better place to turn on someone who trusts you than with a backdrop as bleak as the crime being committed?   

_The weapons exchange was about to go down.  I scanned the tops of the massive crates looking for the turtles.  I expected Leo to signal me.  Instead, I caught them loading a slingshot with some kind of grenade, aimed right for the man I believed was my father.  I stopped them. And we fought._

_The sting of Leonardo’s deception hurt for several reasons; not only did I admire his honor, and his actions bring me to question it, but I thought for once I’d found a real…_

_“I thought you were better than this.  I thought you were my friend. How could you betray me?”_

But betrayal can go both ways…

_He brought me to his home.  I activated the beacon.  Led Tiger Claw right to them._

_The picture of my mother, the rat had one like it.  And another, of three of us… And I knew then.  It was true.  The picture of my… family.  My true family… My true father.  I couldn’t breathe, fingers trembling, my body numb.  What had I done?_

_I stumbled back.  “Father.  What have I done?”_

Deceit flows into betrayal…

_“Tell me the truth!  Splinter’s my father isn’t he?!”_

_“Yes.  Hamato Yoshi is your true father.”_

_That was it.  I’d heard it from both of them.  It was true.  Yet as many times as I told myself, even as I knew, even as I heard it..._

_My stomach bottomed out.  My entire life was a lie.  I was a lie._  

Deceit, betrayal… Combined, they led to violence.

For a second I struggled, watched his smile in my moment of weakness.  He constricted tighter still, taking up any slack gained.   _No.  He’s the enemy._  So many wicked, disgusting things happened in the cover of a silhouette-driven world, one with outlines instead of faces, so cowards could deny their crimes.  I peered into his now black pits, deep into their nothingness.  A watery image drifted to the surface, and my body drew as cold as his very blood…

Violence welcomed the abyss with open arms, held it close to conceal it, prey over victim.  Yes, such a worm hole were the wicked acts that occurred in the witching hours that even the casualties who walked away were marked, scarred for life; no longer able to see in the same light, but through a haze much like my own.  

My stomach churned, my heart galloping, the taste of acid rising in my throat.  Half of me was both, culprit and victim.  Yet part of me, that I wanted to explore, she had a voice, and never failed to speak up…  

_Splinter was poisoned, by my dart, chained and defenseless as Shredder jerked him upward.  In the face of imminent death the rat spoke, “All these years and you continue to deceive yourself and everyone around you.”_

_Shredder raised his fist, blades poised to kill, “You dare!  Now it ends!”_

_This wasn’t right.  Every part of me knew it wasn’t.  My throat hurt as I tried to keep myself from calling out, my hands opening and closing at my sides.  I had to stop it.  Stop it! “No, Father!”_

_His helmet clinked as his head whipped in my direction, “You would stop me?!”_

_What am I doing?!  Well don’t stop now, you opened your mouth, finish it.  Don’t let him think you’re afraid.  There is nothing right about what he’s doing.  What if Leo’s right?  What if he’s telling the truth?  You’d have just killed your own father!  This is wrong and you have to stop it.  Stop it!  “You would kill your greatest enemy while he’s poisoned and chained?  What about honor?”_

Even apprentices live in the shadows of their masters. My teeth clenched, fingernails digging into my palms as I worked through my blurring vision.   _Only he doesn’t control me anymore._  I cleared my head of its straying thoughts and felt the chill of steel beneath my now wandering fingers; sliding just under the edge of my pillow, where I kept my tanto. _Who’s my master now?_   I rolled my body as he opened his mouth wide his jaw contorting to an impossible angle.   _Hamato Yoshi?_  As his head snapped toward my face I grasped the hilt of my weapon.  Tilting the blade upward then shifting my weight, I pressed his body against it, splitting him in half.  He gasped, grew rigid.   _No, for a while at least I shall be my own master._ Reptilian blood coated my hands, his body limp and sagging loose around my waist.  Freeing myself of him I carried the carcass from the tent; cast him toward the woods, away from the muted yellow, heatless rays of the moon.  

A semblance of peace settled over me and with it came a small shred of clarity.  We are all twisted victims of own desires, our personal agendas, sometimes those of others.  We are woven in the fibers of an impossible triangle; living in the betrayal of the past, the lies told even now in the present, the inevitable violence that awaits in our futures, and we are all three; Oroku Saki, Hamato Yoshi, and me.  

Which begs the question, if the man who raised me was a liar, and the man who I was stolen from is my truth, what does that make me, but a little of both?  

The picture dancing around in the snake’s eyes was the mirror to my fears, illustrated the very face of my questions…

What path do I want to walk?  I stared into the pitch of the forest, to the places moonlight did not reach, and never felt more one foot in, one out.  Who do I want to be?  My lips pressed together, the corners of my mouth trembling.  Who am I?  

My true father’s voice echoed in my head, _“You are who you choose to be, not what others make you.”_

One foot in, dancing half in light, half in shadow, truth and lies, past and present, an ending, and a beginning…  With a deep cleansing breath I lifted my chin, knowing I’d made at least one decision I could live with that felt… right.  

Yes, what I saw in the serpent’s eyes was me…

Hamato Karai.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Scene/memories are from the following episodes: The Manhattan Project, Wrath of Tiger Claw, Enemy of My Enemy. This was a tough chapter to write, hope you liked it!


	8. Renegade

 

_~Never rebel for the sake of rebelling, but always rebel for the sake of truth~_

_-Criss Jami_

“Run away and live with me…”  Words slipped from my lips to the melody, drowning out the damned ruckus of dirt-crawling, flying demons that were trying to drive me mad.  It probably wasn’t the best decision to drain the battery on my phone listening to music.  At this point I didn’t care.

The sounds were a reprieve.  The music flowed through me, my feet moving with a bit more purpose, as the path before me was an uphill climb.  From where I stood, at the bottom of a ravine, I snorted. So I’m starting at the bottom am I?  Gonna work my way up?  Well, bring it.  

“BRING IT!”  My voice erupted so loud I couldn’t hear the chorus.  Not of insects.  Not of music. There was something brewing inside me as dark and furious as the storm rolling in from the east.  My teeth ground together as his half melted face flickered in my eyelids.  He’d been on my mind every day for as long as I could remember.  

_“Father!  Father!  Look, I’ve lost a tooth!”  I held the long rooted white square in my fingers, up for him to see.  My shoulder-length hair clung to the corner of my mouth where blood had dribbled over my lip.  The taste of copper graced my tongue where it darted in and out, feeling the strange vacancy._

_Oroku Saki scowled.  “Go clean yourself up.  I have a client arriving.”  His dark eyes glanced at the hole in the bottom of my mouth.  “You’re not a child any longer.  I assume you know where that,” he pointed a finger to my lost tooth, “belongs?”_

_The corners of my mouth turned upward but my heart reached for my toes. “Yes, Father.”_

_“Take care of it.  Be properly dressed, clean, and back here in ten minutes.”  With that he ghosted toward his office._

_“Yes, Father,” I whispered, closing my fist over the tooth.  I had a mission._

My heart picked up pace matching the beat of the music.  “Lost souls and reverie,” I whispered the lyrics, reaching for the trunk of a pine.  Sap stuck to my fingers, the groundcover of damp dead leaves giving way beneath my shoe.  The scent of pine filled my nose as my hand crossed under it reaching for the phone strapped to my bicep.  I increased the volume, desperate to fill my head with something other than memories of what happened next.

_I had a mission.  He believed I could do it.  And if he did, well, I did too.  I would throw my tooth on the highest roof on clan property.  The barn.  My new tooth would have to grow straight and tall to reach the old; he’d be proud.  He’d be proud.  I’d make him proud..._

Louder, the music must be louder; then I won’t be able to think.  I pressed the button again.  “Running wild...” I would push the train wreck of that moment from my mind.  I would.  

My calves burned from the incline as I reached for one tree trunk after another.  An insect had its straw-like mouth under the skin on the inside of my forearm.  A slap of my hand left a black smear in its place.  It was the slightly raised white stripe that ran beneath that smudge that thrust me into the past yet again.

_Climbing the ladder into the hayloft had been easy. Scaling the rafters to the skylight had been as much fun as uneven bars in gymnastics class.  As I lifted myself onto the smooth black tin roof my night-shoes slipped and slid.  I balanced along the center line, making my way to the copper bell dangling in the cupola.  Just like balance beam.  I reached the raised square, my fingertips just skimming the edge of it.  Holding on tight with one hand I worked to free my tooth of the silk purse hanging from my neck, with the other.  I released the edge of the cupola to dump the tooth in my palm.  But my weight shifted._

_My slipper slid in the opposite direction of my torso, and my precious baby-tooth flew up in the air. My stomach dipped as I wavered, flailing for balance.  My tooth!  I swiped out for it, felt it hit my palm.  With my heart fluttering, a frantic mess in my chest, I fell backward, launching the tooth toward the bell dangling within its small tower.  I heard a ‘ting’ from the copper just before my back hit the roof edge and I tumbled head over foot toward the soil below._

_“Karai!” I heard father scream as I landed on my arm with a sick crunch._

_Pain sucked the air from my lungs, my mind filled with a searing white light.  I couldn’t hear my own screaming._

_“What is this?!  I told you to-”_

My stomach turned as I leaned forward, my legs aching from the struggle against the upward angle.  It didn’t matter what it was.  No matter how large or small.  Monumental moments in my childhood had been glazed over, ignored, a nuisance. His fury, time and again, was unmatched.  He _could_ care… if his anger hadn’t smothered it.  My whole life had been moments of well-intended failures and miniscule successes, all to impress someone who should have loved me regardless.  But through his own blind hatred, could not.  Would never let himself.  

My greatest achievement had been earning my spot as second in command.  A role he’d awarded after countless hours of training, testing, and stealing desired items from very tricky places… only for me to lose it to Tiger Claw after failing to deliver the turtles.  

I scoffed.  That was something I could’ve done, more than once.  But in truth…

“All hail the underdogs, all hail the new kids, all hail the outlaws-” I hit the volume again, the sound so loud the words filled my head, drowning out my visions.  But they still failed to stop my straying thoughts, which, to my surprise, shifted in an entirely different direction.

An ache rose in my chest, a tender pain with a name, a green face, and blue bandana.  It had been déjà-vu.  Everything about the blue clad turtle was familiar to me, yet I’d never seen him before.  But that color, that rich royal blue masking his amazing cobalt eyes; that shade had drifted in and out of my dreams my entire life.  Long before I’d ever set eyes on him.

There aren’t words for the hue of those inhuman eyes.  Not really.  But they’re filled with emotions.  I’d told myself there was no way I could know that.  But there were no other words for it.  When I looked in those brilliant blue orbs I hurt inside. They filled me with hope.  Something I was otherwise without. He looked _into_ me, not _at_ me.  And when he did that, I felt… hope.  

His eyes were the sea on a stormy day, only with the sun pushing through the clouds so the water is a deep, gorgeous blue, not angry gray.  Those glowing blue waters are swirling, churning, rising.  That shifting liquid heaven, it forms a wave that reaches for the light, filtering in a broken spray of golden rays through the smoky cover looming overhead.  Somehow the blue, bubbling crest touches the lowest-lying puff, a broken, marbled thing of snow white and charcoal. The sea curls its fingers around the darkest edge of that cloud and draws the tears from it, siphoning them away.  

Only I don’t know where they go… the tears.  I just know when I’m with him, the darkness fades.  And as the tide ebbs it cleanses me. It flows and I’m filled with hope, faith, determination, honor.  Yes, when the tide recedes the clouds’ burden is easier to carry. I frown. Even if the cloud doesn’t deserve it.

No.  From the moment I laid eyes on Leonardo he was familiar to me.  The scent of steel and sandalwood summoned a memory that wanted to surface but I could never gain an image.  When my body couldn’t form a visual it would instead fill me with a sensation… of comfort.  Safety.  I knew him.  Be it in another life, another time… I wasn’t certain.  But he would be important to me and I needed to know more.  I wanted to know him.  So I let him get away.

I’d sparred with him, taunted, and teased him.  Yet he never wavered.  Even when I’d pissed him off. _“Your feud is with me.  Stay away from my brothers and my sensei.  I mean it, Karai.”_

I never cared about _what_ he was.  How could I?  Saki had me surrounded with freaks.  Misfits. Thieves.  Cowards.  Assassins.  Creatures without what mattered most.  Honor.  And Leonardo had that. Everything else fell to the background.  Because, to me, nothing else mattered.

There was no doubting Leonardo’s honor.  It was an ever-present feature.  The way he carried himself, straight back, square-shouldered, and most importantly… head up, and deserving of it.  That last part eluded me.  

I plopped to the ground, a flash of leaves floating up into the air around me.  Once I’d worked my backpack off, I rummaged through it for my journal.  Wasn’t the cover gray?  I ran my fingers over the rich blue binding, felt the wrinkle in my brow.  I opened it, allowing the pen to roll into my grasp before I set it to the pages.

_How can I ever let go of this?  Years of my life, I spent stealing and Saki had stolen.  How can I live among my true family and fit in?  I’ve hurt them.  Almost killed them.  More than once.  The mind control was a large part of it, but somewhere deep inside, I was in there.  I just couldn’t stop it.  I gave in.  To the part of me that Saki raised.  How can I ever redeem myself?  How can they forgive me? How can I forgive myself?  What could I have done to change all this?_

_Please, powers that be, I beg you, go back in time and change this.  Let there never be a me if it will undo all of this…_

_I just want it gone!  I want this filth washed off my soul.  I want to be right, cleansed, and worthy… of them.  Of my father.  My brothers.  Of Leo, my-_

“ _Oh_ , shit.”  I dropped the pen, my heart jerking.  Leonardo is my brother.  Trembling fingers moved toward my heart.  And I, have, feelings, for, him.  “Shit.”  Do I have feelings for him?  Should I have feelings for him?  Is that right?  

“Well that’s just great.  He’s not human.  He’s my brother.  My adoptive brother.  But my brother…” I snatched the pen up from the black and brown mess of leaves, shoved it and the journal back in the bag.  “But I haven’t known him my whole life…”  Even if it felt like it. I rubbed my face.  Could anything in my life not be complicated?

I hit the volume again, knew it couldn’t get much louder.  What was I trying to push away anyhow?  

That lightly-pebbled shoulder, cool against my cheek, field grass tickling the back of my legs; the earth damp beneath my butt as I leaned against him.  Tepid, faintly golden rays bleeding through clouds as I listened to him breathe… and _heard_ nothing, but _felt_ the slight rise and fall of his arm with every soothing inhale and exhale.  The scent of soil, steel and mellow sandalwood warmed my insides; soothing my damaged spirit with his presence.  He was the balm to my wounds.  Steady, peaceful, calm.  

“Long live the pioneers, rebels and mutineers, go forth and have no fear, come close and lend an ear-” I stared into the bottom of the ravine.  The climb hadn’t been that bad.  Not once I’d set my mind on him…

He was my blanket… one I was afraid of wrapping myself in.  For all that would come loose within if I let go for more than a fraction of a second.  Because I had.  One silent moment beside him at a time. He’d been my foundation, grounding me, one I would build upon.  One pebble at a time.  

“Our time to make a move, our time to make amends, our time to break the rules, let’s begin-”

I mused over the turtle boy who was everything I’d tried my entire life to be.  A great warrior, a brilliant and capable leader; determined, even in the eyes of failure, to get up and try again.  Only to me, he was more.  Because he was there.  He knew when to listen, he knew when to speak. He understood me.  I needed him. I need him.  And just like I wanted him with me now, I knew… he would… “Never.  Leave.  Me.”  Dammit.  “LEO!”

*

*

 

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A couple things… First in Chapter 7, did anyone figure out who the snake was a metaphor for? Second, the lyrics in this chapter are from Renegades by the X Ambassadors. I do not own TMNT or the song or lyrics used in this chapter. Third, to be clear, Japanese children throw their bottom baby teeth on rooftops so the new ones grow up towards the old, hopefully straight. They throw top teeth to the dirt so they grow down, again, hopefully straight. Fourth, happy reading. :)


	9. Captive

 

~Your perspective on life comes from the cage you were held captive in~

– Shannon Alder

Thunder rumbled over my voice.  “LEO!” I screamed, scanning the tree tops, their trunks, dropping my head, looking over my shoulder.  “Dammit, Hamato Leonardo, I know you’re out there!”  Yanking my phone from its holder I stopped the music, shoved the device in my backpack.

_The wind whipped that long blue ribbon around the back of his head like a flag.  The tails of it tangled then parting as if knowing the beat of his heart did the same._

That’s how I pictured him in my dreams, standing over the city, watching her buzz with life; thinking about who knows what.  I’d looked over him enough to call the fantasy a memory.  One where he didn’t know I was there. And there had been lots of nights like that.

Moments I’d kept to myself.  At first, fascinated with him, _what_ he was, _who_ he was, and his skill… There was little about him that didn’t captivate me.  Somewhere in the middle my interest shifted to what he sought to become, the honor he held dearest and I valued most.  Later, his achievements mesmerized me.  When he reached his goals and became the leader he worked so hard to be.  When he guided a team back from the edge and nurtured it, helped it grow, fed it like the sun and soil to a sapling.  And they became a force to contend with. From my snake-like form I’d watched him learn, succeed, and fail, get up, try again and win.  Now it was the other way around.  But I didn’t understand my path, only that he belonged in it.

Without him near to swallow my tears, they’d gathered inside, the pressure ever building, a hurricane ready to rip through the shoreline.  Even as I knew he was there, somewhere, it wasn’t the same.  Relief, what little I’d had, came from being close to him.  Sometimes talking, often times not.  Funny how I hadn’t realized the comfort he brought me when he was around.  But with him gone…

Giant drops came slowly at first, falling from the mess of dirty cotton balls draping the sky, smothering the few rays I’d enjoyed.  I didn’t think my world could grow any darker, until the earth summoned ground-shaking thunder, cast strikes of light from her heavens, and my black and white prison took on an ominous shade of gray that sucked out the browns, golds, and blues I savored.

The air was a blanket of humidity, moisture so thick it coated my lungs with every inhale.  Leaves tugged at bending branches, their arms curling at impossible angles.  My hair blew over my cheek into my eyes and mouth.

Still I called him.  Knew he was close.  Swore I caught hints of sandalwood mixed with pine and dirt swirling in the air.

“I’m not going anywhere until you come out!” I screamed, planting my feet in the mud.  It squished and slopped sucking the bottoms of my shoes in deeper.  The random droplets quickened, pelting my shirt in giant splatters. The thick black fabric clung to my skin, as heavy as every burden I carried.  

I dropped my pack and threw back my head.  Water graciously washed away a layer of dirt from my body.  My heart soared under the warm, cascading shower.  The only thing that could make this feel better…

Slipping my shirt over my head I tossed it aside then tugged off my shoes.  Mud splattered across my shins as I chucked them into a puddle.  The corners of my mouth curled, my lips parted then a sound tumbled loose as my heart dipped and rallied.  I danced and twirled in the downpour.  I heard it again, the sound, as I launched my shorts into the branches of a nearby oak.  I rubbed my hands over my face, combed my fingers through my hair.

Amid a clap of thunder the sound erupted from me in great waves. I tilt my head to the heavens, savoring the reprieve.  For as bittersweet and melancholy the day, as wretched my past, in this fleeting moment… I felt clean.

He was watching and I didn’t care.  “That’s what you get for not answering me, Leonardo.”  My soul stirred, embers stoked.  

What, Karai?  A strip show?  Have you lost your mind?  He’s probably loving this!

And what if I’m wrong?  What if I am alone?  

“No.  He’s out there.”  He is.  I know he is.  “You’re out there!” I screamed into the trembling mass of maples and oaks.  “I know you, Hamato Leonardo, as well as…” my voice broke, fell away, taking my heart with it; tumbling down ravines, tangled in the prickles of thistles, stumbling down overgrown paths cleared just to make way for me… for him… for us.  “As well as you know me.”

My knees sank in slop, sending mud flying, water sloshing, air cutting.  I closed my eyes.  Let the tears of the universe wash over me, matching the trails slipping down my cheeks.  

I heard wood snapping overhead, followed by consecutive cracks of smaller branches giving way.  My eyes opened to a great arm of oak rushing toward my face.

Sandalwood hit my nostrils at the same time two muscled arms slammed into me, snatching me up like a hawk claiming its prey.  He dropped me clear of the limb as it rocked the ground with it landing.  

In the pitch of a storm he looked into me, the frown on his face as dreary as the weather.  Yet my heart pounded, not because I was near naked in the rain, not because a giant branch almost crushed me, not even because he saved me.  

But because I could see him in vivid, rich, vibrant color.  His pebbled emerald skin, mottled with flecks of pine, his thick lips in a shade of fern, the golds, browns, creams of his plastron, the same colors swirled with olive on the shell of his back.  I circled him.  Drinking in every delicious color he bore.  From the cracked leather of his belt, the gleaming silver where his katana blades just peeked from the hold, to the dingy blue binding on their hilt.  The frayed, royal blue draped over his eyes.  Those eyes.  Those glowing, radiant sapphire gems that stirred my insides like the gusts whipping the leaves in circles up from the ground around us.  Never since I’d known him had he been so damn beautiful.  

The wind whipped that long blue ribbon around the back of his head like a flag.  The tails of it tangled and parted as if knowing the beat of his heart.  In that moment I knew the rhythm… because it matched my own.

 


	10. Timing

~There must be those among whom we can sit down and weep

and still be counted as warriors.~

\- Adrienne Rich

Captivating.  There was no other word for him.  Not for me, not in that moment.  I could ignore the firm line set of his mouth.  Those thick lips, aside from the green, such a human mouth.  They appeared as smooth as butter… But how did they feel?  Were they warm like the rain pelting our bodies?  Or cool like the blue rivers of his eyes?  What did he taste like?  Sweet like fruit or salty like the sea?  

My fingers rose of their own accord, drifting toward his face.  The pad of my thumb brushed over his lower lip.  

He straightened a bit, startled.  

Then, glowering, he gripped each of my biceps, jerking me toward him.  “What are you doing, Karai?”

What am I doing?  

The words appeared in my conscious, the question mark ending flashing in black and white strobe. But my heart licked my breast in an agonizing beat, following the pattern of the ribbons of blue whipping around his head; soaring in the air; flying then diving to grace his shell, then up again, only to… kiss his cheek.

As the tattered tail of blue fluttered toward me I grabbed it, wove the saturated fine material around my fingers, guiding him close.  

“Karai—” he breathed my name.  It was different this time, when he said it.  The sound, almost drowned out by a rainfall whose own rhythm slowed, was… desperate?

His grip tightened, then loosened.  Those breathtaking blue eyes darted over my face, anger evaporating, wide and yet… yearning?

Forbidden.  Enemy.  Those two words never fit him, not even when he once betrayed me.  No.  I’d been furious, yes.  But never enough to finish the job.  Not even when I had him at the mercy of my blade.  

Steel that had been pressed to that thick emerald throat with that human-like Adams-apple bobbing with his every swallow… The artery had pulsed so hard it might have burst.  It had then, and it did now. Only there was no steel between us.  In fact there was very little in our way.

My breast rose and fell in time with that frantic beating blood vessel.  Steam rolled from my lips, while puffs of air blew against my face from the inhuman slits that would be his nose, if he were human.  But he wasn’t.  

He was no more human than he was ever my foe.  But he _was_ forbidden.  Only, the one who’d despised him was no longer a concern.   

No, Leonardo was never the villain.  Far from it.  Loyal.  Proud. Determined.

Pressing my weight to the front of my toes, I pushed them deeper into the mud. The chilled puddle of clay giving way beneath them thrilled me like the bite of icy air rushing over my skin.  As I gained an inch in height, my chest shifted closer to his plastron; to my surprise his hands left my arms to wrap around me.  Two large fingers and a thumb pressed against the small of my back.  And I wanted them there.  

Warrior. Leader.

My gaze traveled from the thrumming vein, across that wide mouth, blunt snout, to those eyes; gorgeous vibrant gems, shining and seeming to shiver with the barely contained sea of emotion that he could be.

But what else?  What would he want?  How did he feel?  What would he say?  

What do I want?  The muscle jerking painfully beneath my ribcage knew.  The energy suspended, trapped in a vortex between us told me.  He pulled me closer, lowered his face to mine.  My head was swimming with him, my heart a tangled mess like the tails of his mask; my fingers gripping the leathery, rippled plane of his cheek.  A cloud of air merged between our lingering mouths, the scent of sandalwood and musk of damp flesh coursed through me, water cascaded over our bodies, clung to my eyelashes, cooling the heat in my cheeks.  

“What are you doing, Karai?” he asked again, so close the vibrato of his voice resonated in a tingle across my lips.  

Whatever I want.  I’m free here.  Or the closest I’m ever going to get to it.  There’s no one else for miles.  No judgment.  No guilt.  No past.  No secrets.  Well, maybe one… about to come out.  My lips were moving.  My voice was small beneath the water slapping against the groundcover.  No pain.  No hurt.  “Kiss me, Leonardo.”  

My only friend, for so long.

“What...?” he whispered, only it wasn’t a question, it was too hopeful for that.  His mouth drifted closer, the rough keratin of his plastron pushing harder against my breast.  

The corners of my eyes drew upward as defiance jolted through me.  “Don’t toy with me Leonardo.  You heard me.”

His head shake was ever so slight.  “I’m not toying with you.  I just—”

“Talk too much.  Think too much.” My mouth moved closer, almost brushed his.  “You’re always in your head Leo, for once just be right here, in the moment, do what—”

His mouth pressed hard against mine, one hand fumbled to the back of my head.  His mouth was wide, but warmer than I’d anticipated, and the energy between us built.  Our breaths came in short pants. He pulled me closer, then loosened his hold, then repeated the action as if in debate with himself.  I swept my tongue over his bottom lip, slowly they parted.  A tentative, wide, smooth muscle greeted me.  

“Mmmm,” I hummed into him.

A soft moan was his only response as I tasted honey and grain in the haven of his mouth.  

Into the lids of my closed eyes came a ribbon of gold.  As I opened them to the brilliant pebbled green cheek working in time with his jaw, my gaze drifted to his closed eyelids; then they opened and found me.  My own filled for some reason, brimming with heat, as radiant beams pierced the cloud-cover, shattering like a sheet of glitter against the canopy of leaves.  Last droplets of rain traveled down my neck, falling like a tear between my breasts. His tongue retreated into his mouth, then his lips ghosted mine once more, as a massive thumb brushed my cheek.  He looked away, released me then stepped out of our fragments of light.  

“Don’t you leave me, Leonardo.  You.  Stay.  Right.  There.”  A knot formed in the pit of my stomach, while tears slipped free of determined blinking eyes.  

He was within my reach.  Oddly, this time he was the shadow, and I stood in the light.  His eyes closed, he took a deep breath and held it.  Then huffed in resignation.  “I shouldn’t be here, Karai.  It’s… it’s not our time.  This, journey, it’s yours and I shouldn’t interfere. I should—”

“—Stay right here and let me talk.  Yes. You should.”  No way was I letting him try to leave me now.  Not without a fight.  

“Maybe the beginning of this quest was about me finding my way, Leo.  But, no matter which way I turn, what direction I look, where a memory begins,” I reached out, wrapping all of my fingers around only one of his, “everything leads me back to you.  It was you that,” my voice cracked for the sob that broke free, “never gave up on me.  Not in the beginning, before we knew… about my father.”

I sniffled, trying to get it to stop.  But the downfall busted through, like water that traveled miles down the river and found no dam at the end to hold it.  “Not when Shredder locked me up, not when my body was destroyed, not when my mind was bent to his will, not when I betrayed you, not even when the world had been sucked into a damned black hole.  You never let me go.  Hell, you couldn’t even leave me here, Leo.  And why?  WHY?”  I couldn’t see, not for the sheet of water flooding my field of vision, causing him to appear a beautiful swimming green blur.  “You traveled in time, saved the damn world, and still remembered me.  You still came back for me… to me.”  

I closed my eyes, pressed a hand to my lips, tasting remnants of honey, remembered the feel of his mouth against mine, wanted it again.  The world swayed, my knees buckled, my hands flew out. “Please don’t go now, Leo.  I need you.”

My shoulders shuddered as the earth splayed beneath my shins.  I felt him before his arms enveloped me.  Leaning into him I wept, for my failed childhood, for every lie I’d told and been told, for the mother I never knew, for the true father I was still getting to know, for every night spent locked away in a frigid, damp cell; and for the beginning of every day I spent watching the sun rise over the bay, coiled beneath a billboard, and thinking of him.  

From the second my mind was freed I’d remembered everything I’d done under Saki’s control.  Hated myself for it.  And ran from it all.  I’d faced the end of the world from a rooftop in Queens, allowed myself to be drawn up with open arms, thought it was the perfect end to my nightmare of a life.  But he fixed that too.  And I remembered it like a dream, woke up from it like it never happened, and he says it never did.  But I can tell.  

“Karai, I need you to listen,” he whispered into my hair as he held me.

The tears, damned, wretched rainfall that they were, wouldn’t stop.  And I felt ashamed.  “Just, don’t go, Leo, please.  Say you’ll stay.  I know,” I pulled back, swiping at the rivers on my cheeks.  “I know, I’m – you deserve bet—“

“Shut up, Karai.” He placed a hand to the back of my head, tipped it up to face him, and wiped away my tears.  

“Wwwhat?”

“Shut. Up.” When he smiled the corners of his eyes quirked upward giving him a somewhat smug appearance.  

The knot in my stomach dissolved, swirling now like a tornado on the horizon.  “What, did you say to me?”

“I said.  Shut. Up.  And you heard me just fine.  If you want me to stay, I’ll stay.” He looked heavenward and sighed, then turned his perfect blues toward me again. “It’s not like I’ll actually leave you anyway.”

My fingers drifted up the tails of the mask draped across his hulking shoulder, the olive-colored ridge of his carapace just peeking above it.  “Why, why do you never leave, Leo?  After everything I’ve done?”

He swallowed, looked away again, and whispered, “You know why.”

Do I?  

Yes, I suppose I do.  

As much as I now know why I need him, and how well I know him.  “I want to hear you say it.”

His eyes closed.  “I shouldn’t.”

I scoffed and his arms retreated from me.  I tugged on the tails of his mask.  “Yes, Leo, you should.”

His chin dropped, his shoulders slumped.  “There are so many reasons I shouldn’t, the least of which is timing.  I mean, you’re human, you’re kind of my sister, you’re going through so much right now, you’re my best friend, and I don’t want to risk ever losing you again.  Do I need to go on?”

“No, this time it’s you who needs to shut up.”

He shook his head.  “Funny.”

“No, I’m serious.  Forget what I am… if it doesn’t matter to me why does it bother you?  And my brother?  Seriously?  We are two different species, Leo.  It’s not like we’ve known each other our whole lives and were raised as siblings.  I think it’s a pretty unique situation.  And timing?  I need you… now, more than ever.” His eyes opened again but stayed fixed on the puddle we sat beside.  “I find that hard to believe.”

“Yeah, well, in some ways, me too.  I mean, I didn’t know this was what this is.”

Now we both stared at the murky brown pool of water.  Trembling fingers sank into the soil as I leaned back against them.  Hopefully he couldn’t tell I was shivering, and it wasn’t from the cold, but the conversation.  I didn’t know what I felt for him.  I knew there was something, drowning beneath everything else.  Maybe on occasion it had managed to get its chin above water, bobbing like the little plastic ball on a fishing line.  Can emotions do that? “What what is?” he pressed.  

Yeah.  Try to turn this around on me, you big beautiful, fearless… man.  “You know.”  

He knows how he feels, I’m sure of that.  But does he know how much he’s grown?  Has he any idea of the gifted warrior, the valiant leader he’s become?  Does he realize how much he’s achieved? How much better he deserves?

“Yeah. It’s always been there, I think,” he says, still transfixed by the puddle, which I notice clearing as the dirt settles. At the same time, I find the courage to look upon his face, and my heart quickens all over again.

“Since the very beginning,” I agree, wiping the mud from my right hand on my bare hip, then leaning forward, allowing my breast to press against his plastron.

His eyes closed again.  His breath hitched.  “Yes.”

My courage rallied, my fingers traced his neck, drifted up to his cheek.  I stroked his pebbled skin, knowing I couldn’t ever be without him again and still have any hope of feeling so complete.  “So if timing’s not an issue for me, and I don’t care what anyone thinks, I just need to hear you say it.”

He pressed his lips together, shook his head again.  “No.  The timing is important.  We should talk to Sensei, be sure this is okay with him.  We should get you through the rest of this quest, be sure it’s what you want.  We should—”

I guided him to face me.  His wide blues drug over the puddle, up toward my hip, then seemed to dart from my stomach, breast, neck, mouth, to my eyes and back to my mouth.  

“Shut up, Leo.  You should stop talking.  Hell, stop thinking.  Get out of your own way.  We’re alone out here.  Me and you.  And I know, now, what this is between us.  The question is, what do you want, what do you feel?  Or am I wrong and you don’t want—”

The taste of his lips soothed the storm, smothered it like Triton calmed the sea.  His arms wrapped around me, drew me to him, his plastron covered me, his shell, a shield.  He was my shield.  My own personal armor.  He was all I needed.  The earth fell away then a tree trunk dug into my back.  I didn’t care.  Not so long as I was in those arms.  Nothing else mattered.  I whispered into his neck. “I love you, Hamato Leonardo.”

His breath came in ragged waves against my cheek, blowing my hair.  His lips fluttered over my ear. “I love you, Oroku Karai.”

With a galloping heart, I corrected him.  “Hamato Karai.”

“Really?” he whispered against my lips before I savored him again.

“Yes,” I moaned, both answering his question and acknowledging my body’s desire for him.

“Sounds like we have some catching up to do,” he said between his sensual massaging of my mouth.

“Well let’s.”

“Yes, let’s.”


	11. Scars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry it’s been so long since an update. October was crazy busy. This chapter is dedicated to my friend Beautyandharmony and is in fulfillment of her special request to read Chapter 10 from Leo’s POV. So here is Scars, Chapter 11:

 

 

Let me see inside your heart

All the cracks and broken parts

The shadows in the light

There’s no need to hide

-Ross Copperman “Hunger”

 

Breathless.  There was no other way to describe it.  And I couldn’t… air was trapped in my chest, burning but unable to escape.  While my lungs failed to inhale and exhale, my heart failed to remember to beat.  Wisps of drenched inky locks clung to her flushed pink cheeks, her breath hanging in soft clouds before brilliant cherry lips, and the sight of her… so exposed…  I blinked, swallowed hard, struggling to keep my eyes locked on her face.  

Then she reached for my cheek and I feared the reality of what I am had finally hit her.  Something had.  That had to be it.  Her expression was like none I’d ever seen on her before.  Then her thumb brushed my lip and I thought my lungs would burst.  This was it.  She was seeing me, really seeing me.  

What is she thinking? My heart jerked with a desperate need to know.  

Her sugar-brown eyes were warm, sweeping lashes coated with raindrops.  A gasp of air escaped, carrying me heavenward with it.  Because there was light in them, life in them, hope, joy, everything I’d always wanted to see in her, for her, in those perfect gems.  It was there.  But what was it?  Where did it come from?  She moved closer still and I straightened.  What is she— Oh no!  

I won’t have her do this.  Whatever it is.  Not now.  

And what was she doing?  Just sitting there like that?  She had to hear that tree breaking!  

Glowering, I gripped her biceps, tugged her to me.  “What are you doing, Karai?”  

Why am I so mad?

I should be thrilled!  She’s moving toward me.  Not away.  She was calling for me.  She’s happy to see me.  Me.  She wants me here with her.  

My nostrils flare, breaths coming faster, blood pumping throughout, thrumming in my fingers and toes, rushing to my head, leaving my mind blurry at its edges.  

I’d watched over her every night since I’d let her believe I’d left.  I’d seen her crumbling.  Was proud of her when she rallied, like I knew she would.  

From that first night when she’d looked for me. The horrible break on her face, the tears I’m not sure she knew she’d shed, the way she’d gnawed on her hand to keep from screaming.  Every muscle in my body was coiled so tight I thought I might spring from my hiding place just to snatch her up and crush her to me.  And it only got worse.  

Then came the thistle. Her struggle to make her way through the field, knowing it wasn’t the weeds in her path but her inner turmoil ripping her to pieces. No.  Any scratch left on her from those thorns was insignificant compared to the mess she was on the inside.  And she proved my thoughts correct when she’d fallen to her knees and cried for her mother.  I’d wept with her, wishing I could give Tang Shen to her.  Even doubted myself, and choices I’d made in a past that might have put her with our father.  Would she ever forgive me if she knew? I would spend my life making that up to her.  And maybe, when the time was right I’d tell her.  I should.  

When she’d cried more than I thought her capable, she’d yet again got to her feet, and I wanted to shout for her, cheer her on.  So much I’d pressed my fingers to my lips to keep them shut.  I’ve been so damn proud of her.

But then she’d climbed the hill, like it was nothing.  Her journey was moving forward, faster now.  Something was making it easier for her.  I wanted desperately to walk beside her.  Just to be there. To let her know.  I always had been there and always would be.

When she called my name my world stopped.

The tails of my mask flapped around my neck and when she slipped her fingers around them it felt like she’d reached beneath my plastron and touched my heart.  The muscle thumped in long hard beats, and it ached so much I thought I may have been dying.  Then she gave the fraying blue fabric a gentle tug, guiding me to her.

Dare I hope for one second, even pretend, that she feels for me, could feel for me, what I do for her?  Was it me that made things easier for her?  Was she finally going to let me in?  

She looked on me with bright, wet eyes, my heart skipping beats as I breathed her name.  “Karai—”

I wanted to snatch her up, thrust my mouth against hers and inhale her.  I wanted to feel her smooth, warm frailness… my fingers reached for her biceps, squeezed them a bit, felt what I knew was toned—for a human—muscle give beneath my thick green fingers and I loosened my hold, but found I couldn’t let go.  Not even when I thought we’d lost the world, and her with it, had I been able to let that last piece of her go.  She’d become… a part of me and I was miserable, but determined, to bear the scar that was Oroku Karai for all my days.

Maybe it had been that way all along, since the first time I’d seen her from the wrong end of a perfectly sharpened blade, flinty eyes, coy lips, sass, and fire.  And fight.  How my insides had burned when she’d given me a real sparring match.  That skill, that talent, that… heart.  And I’d wondered then less than I did looking at her right now, if she knew her limits at all.  

My head tipped so close the faint remnants of lavender and rose mixed with rainwater filled me with her being.  The temperature was dropping, steam rolling from her skin, falling from her lips, the heat of them wafting up to mine like an invisible force, one more powerful than gravity, linking us together.

When I’d met her she was trapped, rebelling, but I saw then what I’d seen again and again, the need for more, the strength, the passion, the honor, the thirst for freedom. Then we learned the truth, and everything she was, that light, it was extinguished and I thought I was suffocating with her. I’d never wanted to help anyone so fiercely before.  

I’m so proud of you, Karai.  So proud.  Because, like I knew you would, you did, you fought, you stumbled, you fell, you rallied and you won.   She shifted her weight forward, and as my heels sank into the mud my fingers slid around to the small of her back. To my surprise with a controlled grace I knew I had, but had never used on a human, I held her to me.

Her chin lifted, her gaze sweeping over me before our eyes met and I felt my control slipping.  My perfectly managed, contained, padlocked heart, my pristine, carefully focused mind, blurry and spinning out of my grasp.  And. I. Didn’t. Care.  

I pulled her closer, lowered my face to hers.  Everything that had been was just that, was, the past, and we were scarred, probably for life, damaged, and battered, worn and yet… victorious. She was my future.  And I wanted her there.  Would keep her there.  But for now, I was going to live as I had many of my moments, in the here and now.  Right there, right then, breathing in the sweet floral scent of her, hints of mud and pine, steel and sandalwood, skin tender and warm, hooded brown eyes baring her soul to me.  No.  This moment I’d waited for so long, I was going to take.  

Her fingers traveled to my cheek, felt like silk over my pebbled skin and my insides swarmed like a hive of bees.  Then our mouths drifted closer still, our breaths dancing in an electric haven between us. I know I want to feel those trembling lips, I want to taste her, want to know every inch of her, inside and out.  But is it right?  

“What are you doing, Karai?” I whispered, just missing her lips. 

Stray tears were mixed with the downpour, though I don’t think she knew they were getting away from her.  Her lashes fluttered as she considered my words, then her chin lifted a bit, her voice slight amid the raindrops pounding the leaves around us.  “Kiss me, Leonardo.”  

YES, my heart screamed. Yet, while her words drifted into my mouth, drawing hers closer still, I managed to push my energy down, barely containing it.  I had to be sure.

“What...?” I asked, desperate to hear it again.    

A flicker of the old Karai, the one that snatched my heart in the beginning, challenged me.  “Don’t toy with me Leonardo. You heard me.”

How badly I want this. How long I’d waited.  And though I wanted to toy with her, like when we sparred, now was not that time.  But damn if I wasn’t ecstatic to see a bit of the old her was still there.  I resisted the urge to show my hand, kept my best game face, gave her a slight shake of my head and reassured her.  

“I’m not toying with you.  I just—”

“Talk too much.  Think too much.”  Her mouth moved closer, almost brushed mine.  “You’re always in your head Leo; for once just be right here, in the moment, do what—”

She dared me yet again, and I thought I’d lose my mind. I shifted one hand awkwardly through her hair, ignored my fumble and pressed my lips against hers.  My eyelids filled with swirling blue and black ribbons and as I cracked them open I realized it was the tails of my mask and her hair, drenched and mashed between the workings of her tiny but perfect mouth and my own.  I closed them again, unable to think for drinking in the sweet, honeyed taste of her.  Her tongue slipped forward and I wondered if I could… my lips parted, I reached for her and our mouths danced in perfect harmony, as if they didn’t need instruction, our connection guided us, and for once I was fine to follow.

“Mmmm,” she hummed, and savoring the feel of her, I moaned in reply.

Compelled to open my eyes I found her gaze burning into me, liquid heat, I’m sure matching my own.  Then they filled, fresh tears slipping away.  There was a break in the cloud-cover, broken beams of white light sprayed over us.  As the rain came to a stop, I felt the lump rising in my throat, heat pressing against the backs of my eyes.  Because the same as those frail rays of light, she was fractured.  And I could not allow myself to interfere with her healing.  I snatched my tongue back into my mouth and pressed my lips hastily against hers once more before forcing myself back a step, where I belonged.  In shadow. 

“Don’t you leave me, Leonardo.  You.  Stay.  Right.  There.”  

A knot formed in the pit of my stomach, while tears slipped free of her determined blinking eyes.

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and held it.  I would gain control of myself.  I had to do what was best for her.  But she made herself pretty clear.  But she’s healing and— this can’t be right.  But it felt right.  But— I dropped my head and huffed.  “I shouldn’t be here, Karai.  It’s… it’s not our time.  This journey, it’s yours and I shouldn’t interfere.  I should—”

“—Stay right here and let me talk.  Yes. You should.”

The inflection of her voice brought my head up, eyes locked on her.  She was in there.  She was breaking through.  And from the look of the hand on her hip… her bare… creamy… Is she wearing a thong?  Wait! No!  Focus Leo.  This is serious.  She’s being serious.  But she is seriously beautiful… and… she’s talking to me… and it’s important.  Look at her eyes, look at those… Wait— is she mad?  

“Maybe the beginning of this quest was about me finding my way, Leo.  But, no matter which way I turn, what direction I look, where a memory begins,” she reached out, wrapping all of her fingers around only one of mine, “everything leads me back to you.  It was you that,” her voice cracked as the dam broke, “never gave up on me.  Not in the beginning, before we knew… about my father.”

While it hurt to watch, she needed to cry.  To weep and know that she was not alone, that I would be here, that I am here, and I’d never think any less of her for it.  

She cleared her throat, then continued, “Not when Shredder locked me up, not when my body was destroyed, not when my mind was bent to his will, not when I betrayed you, not even when the world had been sucked into a damned black hole.  You never let me go.  Hell, you couldn’t even leave me here, Leo.  And why?  WHY?”

She sniffled, blinking hard as if it would stop the waterfall flowing from her.  “You traveled in time, saved the damn world, and still remembered me.  You still came back for me… to me.”  

She closed her eyes, pressed a hand to her lips.  Then her knees buckled, and her hands flew out. “Please don’t go now, Leo.  I need you.”

I dove for her, caught her tiny, exhausted body and pulled her up, held her as she pressed a cheek into my plastron and dug feeble fingers into my biceps.  Now, Leo.  Now.  My heart pounded.  Tell her, my head was screaming, and never let her go.  Like she’s telling you.  Because she is.  She’s saying everything you’ve dreamt of hearing her say.  

“Karai, I need you to listen,” I whispered into her hair as I held her.

She scrunched her eyes shut, swiping away at them as she wept.  “Just… don’t go, Leo, please. Say you’ll stay.  I know,” she pulled back, swiping at the rivers on her cheeks, “I know, I’m – you deserve bet—“

No.  Don’t say that.

“Shut up, Karai.” I placed a hand to the back of her head, tipped her chin up to face me, and wiped away her tears.

“Wwwhat?”

“Shut. Up.” I smiled, unable to contain the hint of a dare rising to my voice.  I wouldn’t listen to her put herself down and she’d know I was here to stay.  Because I was going to make that clear. But I had to see that fire, that storm that was her very essence, because it fed me, and I cherished her for it.  And now I knew… whether she realized it or not, she loved me. Lest the warrior before me would never feel safe enough, or trust anyone enough to fall apart, bare herself to anyone else.  She chose me.    

Stunned, she abruptly stopped crying, pulled back and looked at me. “What, did you say to me?”

“I said.  Shut. Up.  And you heard me just fine.  If you want me to stay, I’ll stay.” I looked toward the clearing sky and sighed, then turned toward her again. “It’s not like I’ll actually leave you anyway.”

Her fingers drifted up the tails of my mask.  “Why, why do you never leave, Leo?  After everything I’ve done?”

I swallowed, looked away again.  Knowing why was one thing.  Saying it, well that was another.  “You know why,” I whispered.

She pressed herself closer to me, so much so I felt her thighs against mine.  Her voice came out soft, like a caress, lulling me to reveal my truth.  Our truth.  “I want to hear you say it.”

She wants a confession.  

I closed my eyes, knew I shouldn’t even be there.  “I shouldn’t.”

This is a fantasy.

She scoffed and I released her, putting a small space between our bodies that I wanted to eliminate; while my blood thrummed in traitorous places.  She tugged on the tails of my mask again.  “Yes, Leo, you should.”

No.  I really shouldn’t.  This is selfish.

My chin dropped, my shoulders slumped.  “There are so many reasons I shouldn’t, the least of which is timing.  I mean, you’re human, you’re kind of my sister, you’re going through so much right now, you’re my best friend, and I don’t want to risk ever losing you again.  Do I need to go on?”

“No, this time it’s you who needs to shut up.”

I shook my head.  “Funny.”

“No, I’m serious.  Forget what I am… if it doesn’t matter to me why does it bother you?  And my brother?  Seriously?  We are two different species, Leo.  It’s not like we’ve known each other our whole lives and were raised as siblings.  I think it’s a pretty unique situation.  And timing?  I need you… now, more than ever.”

My eyes opened again but stayed fixed on the puddle we’d come to sit beside.  “I find that hard to believe.”  I find all of this hard to believe.  

“Yeah, well, in some ways, me too.  I mean, I didn’t know this was what this is.”

Now we both stared at the puddle of water.  She leaned back against her palms, pushing them into the mud.  She was trembling and I wished I could do something to warm her.  My conscience tapped me on the shoulder and I wanted to flick it off.  How long I’d wanted this, this conversation, this truth, laid out, stripped down and exposed.  Now here it was, and the timing— but— Even as I tried to push it from my chest, I felt hope blossom like a seedling pushing through the soil and reaching for the sun.  If she was willing to speak it, I wanted to hear it.

“What what is?” I asked.  

She raised her eyebrows.  “You know.”  

She’d come so far.  She’d spiraled into the rabbit hole and come out the other side and while not unscathed, but forever changed, one thing had endured.  This thing between us. My heart dipped.  She deserves so much better than I can ever give her.  Then the damned muscle rallied.  But if she says she wants me, and I want her—

“Yeah.  It’s always been there, I think,” I say, still staring at the puddle, which I notice becoming very clear as the debris settles, like a mirror reflecting a distorted image of us.  

“Since the very beginning,” she says, wiping the muddy hand on her bare hip, then leaning forward, allowing her breast to press against my plastron.

My insides flare, searing beneath the closeness of her and I shut my eyes, unable to breathe.  “Yes.”

Her fingers traced my neck, drifted up to my cheek, and I wanted to grab her, pull her to me, and share everything with her.  Then she was pressing me again.  “So if timing’s not an issue for me, and I don’t care what anyone thinks, I just need to hear you say it.”

Why?  Why couldn’t this be simple?  Why wasn’t anything easy?  But then maybe loving someone was.  It was everything in the way that was difficult.  And there she was telling me, asking me…

I pressed my lips together, shook my head again.  “No.  The timing is important.  We should talk to Sensei, be sure this is okay with him.  We should get you through the rest of this quest, be sure it’s what you want.  We should—”

She guided me to face her.  My eyes lingered over the puddle, drifted up toward the delicate curve of her hip, then darted from her bare stomach to the perfect mound of her breast, along the sweet hollow of her neck, and as I paused on her mouth, mine watered, recalling the taste of her.  I wanted more.  I wanted it all.  And I would be honest with her.  I met her gaze, saw myself in her eyes and looked to her mouth again.  

“Shut up, Leo.  You should stop talking.  Hell, stop thinking.  Get out of your own way.  We’re alone out here.  Me and you.  And I know, now, what this is between us.  The question is, what do you want, what do you feel?  Or am I wrong and you don’t want—”

Yes I want.  I want and damn it—

The taste of her lips on mine soothed the burning, swirling hurricane inside me.  I snaked my arms around her, pulling her to me, covering her with all that I am.  Savoring the closeness of her, I knew we were closer to everything I’d ever wanted with her and she was right, we should just take it.  Because we’d earned it.  And it… this… was ours.  

I pulled her up, pressing her against a tree trunk as I kissed her, my hands sliding around her muscled thighs as I held her.  Then she whispered into my neck, “I love you, Hamato Leonardo.”

My heart jerked.  Her words echoing throughout, like the sweetest sound I thought I’d never hear.

My breaths came in short pants against her damp cheek, blowing back her drying ebony locks.  The aching muscle in the center of my chest was full, spilling over.  How I adored every hair on her precious head.  My lips brushed her ear. “I love you, Oroku Karai.”

“Hamato Karai,” she corrected me and my head jerked back to look at her.

“Really?” I whispered against her lips.

“Yes,” she moaned, answering with the tender workings of our mouths.

“Sounds like we have some catching up to do,” I told her in between kisses.

“Well, let’s.”

“Yes, let’s.”

 


	12. Promise

What lies behind us,

and what lies before us,

are tiny matters compared to

what lies within.

– Emerson

We'd been walking uphill, for hours. He wasn't speaking, not that I was either. Music was no longer an option; my battery had died sometime during the night. Cicadas were unusually quiet today, tree frogs and robins singing but not as loud as before the storm. Last droplets of rain made little drip… splat… drip… splat… sounds as they slipped from leaves onto the groundcover and puddles below.

Gradually, as the sun rose to the highest point in a rich blue sky my skin warmed, bathed in champagne beams of light. And I wanted to roll in the comfort of a vibrant world that had shifted with his return. Every chip and groove of each passing tree trunk, down to the sap-dripping knots, the shades of browns bathed in light… I had to touch everything.

My fingers reached for long, soft bristles of evergreen, traced the notches of a pine cone, pressed white talcum petals of daisies with brilliant yellow centers between my fingers, plucked blossoms of wild honeysuckle so I could breathe in the fragrance, and taste the sweet nectar on my tongue.

While I cherished textures and colors, every detail of every tree, flower, leaf and puddle we passed, he did two things. One, he remained perfectly silent. And two, something very strange for him...

He let me lead.

My sneakers slipped and slid in the coating of mud just beneath the crust of dead leaves. My thighs and calves begged me to take a break, while my heart was determined to press on, maybe never stop. There were the sounds of earth: crunch, drip, chirp, croak, rustle, shiver… and the scents of soil, pine, honeysuckle, and rain, cascading waves in through my nose, down my throat…

I was basking in a sheen of sweat, hard-earned from the climb, rays of light shattered and broken still reaching through the canopy above. My fingers dug into the ridged trunk of an oak, and I pulled myself up, reaching for the next one.

I lifted my gaze to the sky, squinted beneath the suns glorious rays.

Fractured light fought to bleed through every gorgeous green leaf. It was damaged, but still golden, determined to shine, no matter what got in the way.

Leo's footfalls were stealthy, almost as impossible as his breaths. But I could feel him there, glanced over my bare shoulder, met his intense blues, and hated it when he looked away.

"Why can't you look at me?" I spun around to talk to him, felt the ground shift beneath my feet, crumbling and breaking free in a downhill tumble. In the fraction of a second, my legs were parallel to the earth, my butt crashing into the rolling debris. "Oh!" I bounced and slid, gaining speed, rushing straight toward him.

"What're you doing, Karai?" he complained, none too concerned that I was about to crash right into his legs.

I flailed, trying to roll to my knees, scratching my arms on twigs and broken branches as I grabbed at anything within reach. "Watch out, Leo!" I yelled as our collision became imminent.

He held up a hand. "Stop!"

"I can't!" I shrieked, my body coasting on the avalanche of mud and brush rushing towards him.

His weight shifted, but as he coiled to spring, the ground beneath him shattered, merging with the earth flowing before me. My legs tangled with his, propelling me into him, sending us both tumbling and bouncing further downhill.

"Unh—oh!" he grunted, whacking his shoulder on a log as he rolled onto his shell, pulling me onto his plastron. "Curl up, and get your head in!"

A three-fingered hand, none-too-gently tugged me upward as the ground rumbled, flowing down in a sheet of slop. I looked up, past the planes of his cheek, saw his chin tip toward the sky. Suddenly, his arm moved over me as he grabbed a tree trunk.

"Hold on!" he yelled, as if I had a choice. I clung to his thick neck, while one of his arms snaked around me, the other clinging to a bowing young maple.

The ground rushing under us gradually came to a stop. My skin was heavy, coated in grimy layers of leaves and slick brown earth. He loosened his grip.

"What did you do up there?" he accused.

My head jerked up from his plastron, and I pushed myself upright, my hands slipping across the rough keratin beneath me. The only places on him that weren't coated in mud were where I'd been pressed against him.

He squint his gorgeous blue eyes, and while I wanted to lose myself in them, they challenged me, and I couldn't decide… kiss, or fight him.

"What do you mean, what did _I_ do? We're climbing a mountain, Leonardo. I was walking! What did _you_ do, stomp the ground loose right out from under me?"

His eyes narrowed. "I was perfectly stealthy!"

I scoffed. "I could hear every leaf under your three-toed feet, and I'll have you know you were breathing so loud you could've been a one man earthquake!"

His lips pressed into a thin, flat line as he scooped me up, moved me to the side of him, and… dropped me in a puddle.

Water sloshed over my legs, saturated my shorts and underwear. My teeth ground together, hands clenching into fists.

"You!" I growled, shifting my weight to rise, only to find his arm swiping the backs of my legs, sending me back to my butt. "Gah!"

"What is your problem, Karai?" he snapped.

Air rushed in my nose, my face so tight I could feel the wrinkles in my brow. " _My_ problem? _You're_ the one knocking me on my butt!"

"Well don't blame me for your landslide!" He wiped his hands over himself, flinging mud off his fingertips, sending it spraying over me.

"Agh! Leo!" I gasped, closing my eyes as a rainfall of brown sprinkled my face. I sat there, cold water swirling around my butt, covered in filth. My chest rose and fell in hard, angry breaths, my teeth clenched so tight I seriously considered biting him.

A leaf tangled in my hair, rubbed against my cheek as I turned my head to glare at him. I shifted, slipping my fist down into the puddle, where I opened my palm and dug my fingers into the loose clay beneath me.

He got to his feet, stood over me, the corners of his mouth tipping up as he crossed his arms over his plastron. That damned smirk. That arrogant, I've-got-you-right-where-I-want-you expression. I'll show you!

I shot one foot forward, hooked his calf and with a shift of my body weight sent him flying… right toward me! Oh no! "No!"

"Ah!" he yelped, his hands flying out to either side of my face as I laid back, bracing for him to crush me.

But he didn't.

His eyes were so wide, he looked almost… helpless. He hovered over me, the mud on my body slipping along his, faint remnants of sandalwood mingling with the musky scent of sweat and soil. My heart seemed to skip a beat as he adjusted, his face moving closer to mine.

My leg wove between his, my fingers squishing and sinking deeper in the puddle I was pinned to. Our eyes met, his breathing deepened, and my lips burned, my mouth watering as if I could taste the sweetness of him. His gaze traveled from my eyes to my lips then back.

He took slow, controlled breaths, shifting his weight as if to get off me.

 _I'm not done with you yet._ I lifted my shoulder, which he permitted, not realizing my intentions until I'd switched our places and pinned him beneath me. I sat there, straddling his plastron, couldn't help but grin at him, triumphant and proud.

"Wh—what're you doing, Karai?" his eyes darted over me, from my face to my neck, bra-covered breasts, then my stomach and back to my face. "And will you please put a shirt on?"

I laughed. "Why? My clothes are soaked, from the storm." I looked around, saw my backpack at the bottom of the ravine. "My pack is covered in mud, probably drenched." I moved my hips, sat flush against his lower plastron.

His eyes widened again, his breath hitched. I flexed my fingers in the silt at the deeper end of the puddle, felt the goo squishing between them. "So, no," I shrugged, "I don't think I will be putting a shirt on, anytime soon."

He grunted a bit, made a low whining sound then seemed to realize it was audible and stiffened. His dirt-coated mask bunched. "Well, get off me. We need to keep going. We're wasting time."

"Huh," I wiggled a bit, sinking more weight onto my bottom, felt the grooves of his natural armor beneath me. "Nah. I don't think we're on a time limit. At least," I smiled, "I don't feel like I've got one. Not now that you're here to entertain me."

He scowled. "Entertain you?" His eyes flashed. "I'm not here to _entertain_ you!"

I leaned forward, dragging my hands beneath the shallow water as I pressed my breast against his plastron. My lips grazed the only green I could see on his cheek, then I tipped my head, brushed my mouth lightly against his. His eyes clamped shut, his tongue sweeping forward to greet me. My heart soared as he pulled me closer.

But, as his weight shifted to flip me I broke away, spoke with my lips grazing his. "Of course you're here to entertain me, Leonardo. What else would you call this?"

His jaw shifted, his eyes locked on mine. "Not. Entertainment."

I pressed my lips together, fighting back a smile. He was so easy to upset. I glared at him, daring him to fight with me. But he didn't. His brow furrowed, his eyes darting over me, and he swallowed hard.

Then it hit me, like he'd driven his sword through my gut. "Oh, Leo, I'm—"

He turned his head, set his gaze to the earth beneath his cheek. The bow of his mouth wrecked my insides.

"I'm just a game to you," he whispered, his lips barely moving.

"No!" I sat up straight. "No, you, stupid—proud— jerk!" Without thinking I lifted my hand from the slop, dropped my fingers against his cheek, accidentally smearing thick brown sludge all over him.

His head whipped up, his mouth open. Then I jerked back my hands, sending a fresh layer over him. His eyes widened, flashed like lightning.

"Oh, no! No—no—no! Mistake— accident, Leo, that—" I held my hands out, only flinging more mud everywhere. I showed him my palms, shook my head. "Accident! That was an accident!"

He shifted beneath me, then his hand dipped in the puddle and fresh muck dashed my cheek. Fire rose in my belly and I reached down to grab another fistful, but he blocked me with one hand while smearing a thick layer of clay over my face.

My mouth fell open. "You!"

"Don't mind me," he shifted his weight so I slid off him, onto my butt. "I'm just _entertaining_ you."

My breaths came in a rush, my jaw clenched. I grabbed a fistful of mud, shifted to get to my feet, stumbled and steadied myself. He collected himself and stood, chest heaving, glaring at me.

"Don't you dare," he threatened.

I lifted my chin. "Or, what?" I dared him.

He squint, stared at me.

I stared at him.

The corner of his mouth quirked upward.

 _Oh, you._ I took a step toward him, anticipated his direction and launched.

He ducked to the right, a well-aimed splatter landing on his head, across his mask. "Karai," he wiped his face, flung the dirt on his fingers towards me, his fraying bandana caked in mud, slipping off his eyes.

The look of him thrilled me, coated in filth, his tattered but precious fabric clinging to his neck, sapphire eyes furious, yet… amused. Yes. Playful, even. His hands hung at his sides, feet apart, his expression appraising. He didn't move, but a shiver rolled through me, a jumpy, itchy feeling darting beneath my skin until my mouth opened and my stomach fluttered. Then a roll of laughter broke free.

With my feet sliding apart I tried to pull them together, grabbed a handful of soil and launched it haphazardly at him. He lunged for me, his arms hooking beneath mine, sending me flying backward. His fingers roved my ribs and I squirmed, giggling like a girl.

"Say it!" he said, his fingertips ghosting my neck, causing my shoulders to reach for my ears, my stomach hurting as I gasped for breath, the sound tumbling from me in great droves.

"Say—" I gasped, "—what?"

His mouth grazed my ear, his fingers squeezing the muscles around my thighs, making me buck and squirm, then they were on my ribs again. Tears dripped from my eyes as I struggled to breathe amid the fits of laughter.

"Say you're sorry." He tickled me again. "Then tell me the truth."

"Gah—" I gasped, "I—can't—ah—you've got," he tickled my shoulder, then my ribs, my thighs, and underarms. I couldn't think to block him. "Leo, stop—ah—I can't—breathe!"

Then he was off me, like a hummingbird that darted away. I drank in waves of cool, fresh, post-rain air, my insides quivering with delightful aftershocks. Then, wiping the tears from my eyes, he went from blurry to perfect clarity.

He stood just feet away, hands at his sides, palms facing me. "Don't be cruel, Karai."

I scoffed. "Me? You're the one that just tickled me until I couldn't breathe! Death by Leonardo's fingertips, not exactly how I thought I'd go."

He smiled, shook his head, then the expression dissolved with the light in his eyes. "I'm not a toy."

My gaze fell to his mud-coated, three-toed feet. I took two steps, closing the space between us. The ache in my chest pressed the air from me, the hurt on his face too difficult to look at. "No. You're not."

What must he think? He's not human. He's taking a risk on me. He has been all along. Of course I shouldn't tease him. Honesty was the honorable thing, no matter how difficult. I lifted my chin, sensed nervous energy radiating from him. Knew if there was hurt or confusion on his face, I put it there.

The back of my throat hurt as I looked in his beautiful eyes, knew he deserved better, but selfishly, I needed him. Begged him to stay with me, and not twenty-four hours later was torturing him. But I wanted him there, needed him to be. And if I expected him to stay, hoped for his happiness, any future with him, I had to do better. Would do better.

"No, Leonardo. You are not a toy. We are so far past that. I was playing, but it wasn't fair, it wasn't right." I locked eyes with him, forced my lips to move. "I'm sorry."

He stared at me.

My heart slowed to a dull thud, as if it were the second hand on a clock.

_Tic… tic… tic…_

I waited, but he just looked at me.

Fear seeped in my pores, beneath the drying clay, tightening its hold.

_Tic… tic…_

How many times would I hurt him? _Tic…_ How many times would he stay? _Tic…_ Did he finally comprehend just how messed up I am? _Tic…_ That he deserves better? _Tic…_ Does he wish he wasn't here with me, that he never met me?

_Tic. Tic. Tic._

My heart sped up, my pulse thrumming to my fingertips and toes. This is it. He's done with me.

Why isn't he saying anything?

"Leo, please say something," I prompted him.

"I'm still waiting," he met my gaze straight on.

"For?"

"The part where you tell me the truth," he replied, his expression bare.

My lips trembled, I swallowed, thought my heart would explode. "The truth about what?"

He didn't blink. "The truth about how you feel about me. The truth where you make me believe that I'm not merely here for your entertainment. I won't be used, Karai. I appreciate your apology, I know it was hard for you. But I'm…" he swallowed, took a breath and his head tipped up and down as if he was reassuring himself. "I'm all in. Not half in, half out. Whether it's our darkest, most painful hour, or the most perfect light we've ever walked in, I'm with you, will be with you." His mouth snapped shut. He took a breath, sighed. "I'll walk through Hell with you, Karai, but only if you're true to yourself, to me, and to us. I won't tolerate anything less."

My entire body was numb.

Then gradually, heat slipped beneath the hard crust that had formed over me. Slowly, bits of it crumbled and fell away, my insides swirling, thrumming and singing as if I were coming clean, a gentle caress chipping away the hurt, the pain, the past. There was him before me, and all that was behind me… withering away.

There were scars. But he had them too.

Yes, scars. A past that would fade into the distance, while we moved forward… toward the light…

And I'd walk with him… anywhere.

I reached for him, touched his cheek. His eyes closed as he leaned into my palm. The heat, melting my insides, lulled my heart into a peaceful calm as my vision blurred. No one had ever given me so much; even when he had so little, he'd always given me all he had. It was his actions, his efforts… he never quit.

And with him by my side, it was time to leave my past where it belonged, to box it up and put it away. I needed to know what lie ahead… in my future, one with him.

I wanted to run through the woods, chase him, scream from the mountain tops, yell from the trees, I wanted to be bare, open, wild, and free. I wanted…

"I want you, Hamato Leonardo. And I promise, on our family's honor, I'm all in."


	13. Summit

 

If you do what you need, you’re surviving.

If you do what you want, you’re living.

–Unknown

My toes curled over the stone beneath them, fingers wrapping around the nearest trunk for leverage.  A bo would make for a smart weapon in this terrain.  Not that two swords didn’t come in handy.  It just would’ve been nice to have a walking stick.  

Lifting my gaze from the shaft of the tree, I caught sight of Karai rooting through limbs in the brush, squatting low to the ground for stability.  The incline on this side of the mountain almost required an anchor.  But the positions it put her in, just ahead of me… the curve of her bottom taut against her denim cutoffs.  Shorts revealing two long, toned legs, still covered in a thin layer of clay.  The corners of my mouth tipped up, my eyes traveling over the dip of her hip.  I wanted to put my hands around that waist, pull her close…

She straightened, pulling forth a long, straight stick, sending a sprinkle of leaves floating around her.  Her caramel eyes flashed, a coy smile slipping over her sharp features.  “You probably need one of these,” she held it up then dug one end into the earth for purchase, and raised an eyebrow.  “But you’ll have to find your own.”

I glared at her.  “Funny, Karai.”

She shrugged.  

“Eh, just because I—” she hesitated, like the words were stuck in her throat, and from where I stood I thought I picked up a flush of pink beneath her mud smeared cheek. Seeming to have made up her mind, she looked me in the eye.  “Just because I love you, doesn’t mean I’m going to cater to you.”  Her chin tipped up.

Cater to me?  Cater… to… me?  Ha!  My lips parted, and before I could stop myself a chuckle fell out.

Her back straightened, her fingers flexing around the makeshift staff.  

Uh, oh.  

I snapped my mouth shut.  

Too late.

Her head turned, so that I thought she was like an owl, or a demon from one of Mikey’s comics.  I pressed my lips together, took a step back, and felt the tree uprooting.  

I looked from her cutting eyes, to the tree I’d relied on to support me, inch by inch parting from the earth that bound its roots.  It was a thin, skinny, young sapling.  I didn’t remember it being that small when I reached for it.  

Karai took a threatening step toward me, right as the tree released me and the soil that held it, in another landslide.  I tumbled and bounced, brown leaves crunching and spiraling as I tried to roll to my hands and knees, until I slammed into a huge oak.

“Unh,” I groaned, sitting up and rubbing my face.  I looked uphill, where Karai stood, leaning on her staff with one hand on her hip.  

“Seriously, Leo?  We’ve already done that,” she turned her back to me, looked back and called, “Hurry up, I’m getting bored.”

Really?  No, are you okay, Leo?  No, can I help you up?  Maybe the next time she falls on her butt I’ll just leave her sitting there.  Let her know what it feels like.  Serves her right.

She took a step then her shoulders slumped.  With a resigning sigh, she turned to look at me.  “You’re,” she swallowed, her expression soft, “you’re— okay, right?”

My cheeks ached where I wanted to smile, but knew better.  I collected myself, dug my toes in the ground, shifted my weight forward and scanned the trees before me, knew which ones would hold me and sprinted forward, closing the distance between us.

I grabbed the trunk beside her and stood, straight, head high.  

Her lips pursed.  “Show off.  Guess that means you’re fine.”  She took a few steps then stopped.  “You know what?”

Her voice was sharp and I flinched a bit at the sound of it.  

The stick lifted, my eyes shot to it, then to her face.  She spun around bringing it across the back of my legs.

“What?” I yelped, my feet flying out from under me.  I started to slide downhill on my rump, but reached out and grabbed a sapling.  “What was that for?”  I held one hand up, searched her face, found her glowering.  “Why are you mad?”

“You could’ve climbed this stupid mountain in like five minutes if you wanted!  Why are you taking so damn long?”  She smacked her breast, and my mouth fell open, my eyes savoring the jiggle of them.  “Don’t let me hold you up, Leonardo!  If you can get up this thing that easy, then go!”  

I stared at the ample mounds rising above the cup of her bra, wondered how soft they were. Some part of me wanted to bury my face in them, kiss, and suckle them.  

“Are you listening to me?!”

Something blunt jabbed me hard in the shoulder.  I blinked, swallowed the saliva pooling in my mouth.  I had no idea what she just said, and judging from the end of the stick tapping the side of my arm, she knew it.

She squinted, then whacked me on my bicep so hard if I weren’t seeing her covered in dirt, half-naked before me, I could’ve mistaken the blow for one of Sensei’s.  Huh.  Like father, like daughter.  She drew back, moved to strike again.

Uh, no, Ma’am.  If this is going to work, we’ve got to set some ground rules.  I grabbed the limb, popped to my feet, snapped the branch in two and held one half of it out to her.  

“Leo!” she shook her head.  “You’re sitting there staring at my boobs while I’m talking to you!”

I huffed.  “Well, put a shirt on!”

Her stick-wielding hand swiped at me.  My feet slid as I blocked and countered.  

“Why should I? My shirts are all dirty, and you walk around naked all the time!”

She parried, struck, and there we were, balanced precariously on the side of an incline, feet slipping, eyes locked over the clash of… wood?  My half of the branch was just under her chin, the jagged edge of hers to my throat.  

“Did you hear anything I was saying to you?  And be honest.  We can’t start this… _us_ … with lies.” She chewed on her bottom lip, her brow furrowed, eyes shining.  “No lies, no matter what.”

I lowered the stick, tossed it away, and sighed.  There was an _us_.  And just minutes ago, she said she _loved_ me, again.  What did I know about any of this?  Except that my gut told me we needed to talk, about what we would or would not do.  And, it seemed, she thought so too.  

I looked to her face, her nostrils flaring, sweat pearling on temples smeared with mud, leaves tangled in her inky locks.  She was changing, had already, for the better.  She’d invited me to be a part of her new life.  I wouldn’t take that for granted.   “No lies,” I promised.

She lowered her makeshift weapon, dropped it in the brush by her feet.  “Good.”

“Good,” I replied, noticing the way the corners of her eyes crinkled.  She stepped closer, motioned me with her finger.   As I leaned over, she took in a deep breath, her breasts rising up like two sirens beckoning me to hold them.  My throat tightened.  

She smiled, her fingers weaving among the tails of my bandana, her lips grazing my cheek.  Then she pressed her body flush to my plastron, hooked her foot behind mine and thrust a palm between us sending me flat on my shell.  “Race you to the top.  Sorry, but I need a head start if I’m gonna win.”

What just happened?

“That’s cheating, Karai!” I called, rolling to my feet.  I dug my heels into the soil and sprung forward.  She didn’t stand a chance.  I bounced off tree trunks, launched myself from one point to the other, shifting my weight, swinging, climbing, rising to the challenge.  

But when I reached the clearing at the top, she was already there.  How?  I emerged from the edge of the forest, walked out onto a long flat bed of rock jutting out over the rolling peaks surrounding us.  She stood on the edge, wind whipping her hair around.  

Her frame was slight, her arms hanging by her sides.   Afternoon sun pierced low smoke-gray billows, showering her in ribbons of gold, and she tipped back her head, opening her arms to their embrace.  

Then she laughed.  

A sound I’d heard more from her in the past few days than in all the time I’d known her.   She sounded like the young girl she was.  My heart swelled at the cadence.  It wasn’t bitter, not edgy in the style I knew of her.  No.  This was different.  

Her fingers curled against her palms, her arms lowering to wrap around her.  Then she turned to me with trembling lips and tear-stained cheeks, and I couldn’t stop myself.  I pulled her into me, felt her crumble in my hold.  

Would she ever be happy?  Would she find peace?  Was she going to live every day of the rest of her life hurting like this?  I gave her a gentle squeeze.  It didn’t matter, whatever she needed from me, if it was within my ability, and maybe even if it wasn’t, I’d do all I could to give it to her.  No one should have to hurt like—

“Thank you.”  She lifted her chin, looked on me with a sparkle in her eyes, even though tears flowed in steady rivers from them.  Her mouth curved into a sweet, delicate smile.  “Thank you, Leo, for bringing me here.”  She pulled my hands into hers, turned toward the skyline, wrapped my arms around her, and kissed my knuckles.  

My heart near burst for the swell of it, every weight, every burden, every challenge, all of them— hers and mine—lifted, if only for as long as the sun shone through the clouds.  We looked to the sweeps, dips, and mounds of green sprawling for miles before us.    

“We’ve reached the summit, Leo.”  She clutched my hands tighter, the warmth of her sending thrills up my arms, spiraling inward.  “What now?”

I lowered my lips to her ear.  “You make that sound like we’re finished.  Like it’s the ultimate achievement, the end.”

She shivered, her shoulders drawing up.  She giggled and I thought I might float off the mountain.  “Well it is, isn’t it?”

I chuckled.  “It’s hardly the end for you and me, Karai.  This—” I looked to the horizon, clouds parting above us revealing clearing azure skies, scattering cumulus casting shadows over the valley below.  “This is just the beginning.”

 

 

 

 

 


	14. Stars

To be a star, you must shine your own light, follow your path,

and don’t worry about the darkness,

for that is when the stars shine brightest.

–unknown

 

I held the journal to my nose, breathing in the rich scent of him.  Could almost give it a color, a flavor, it thrilled me so.  In fact, I could.  Because he was there, just on the other side of the fire, meditating.  And with him, the veil was lifted, and my world was on fire.  So yes, if I had to give sandalwood a color, I’d say it was amber.  The earthy, rich golden tone that made me think of warm syrup.  Which meant it would taste spicy, yet sweet.  He surely did.

Hmm.  I’ve never felt so… girly.   I opened the journal, shot a glance in his direction, my cheeks heated, and I stuck my nose between the pages.  The pen rolled between my fingers, hovering near the paper.  

Flickers of firelight cast curling, lashing shadows over us. It was already so dark.  I shivered. Closed my eyes, took a breath and considered joining him in a practice that I’d often found downright dull.  

The flames popped and cracked.  I looked toward them, saw an ember emerge from the inferno and drift upward.  Go ahead, rise above your hell.  Just like me.  

Gradually the tiny red spark faded, and I squirmed.  Would my light sputter and go out?  

“Karai?” he pierced my thoughts, and I wanted to curl up to him, hold him close and never let him go.  

I looked to the words splashed across the page of my journal, felt my heart jerk.  “I—uh—ahem—” What is the matter with me?  He’s seen me through so much, I begged him to walk with me, professed my love for him, and heard him declare the same.  So why was I so damn nervous?  What are these jumpy, fluttery feelings?  What crap!  I cleared my throat.  “Just, let me finish this.  I’m almost, done.”

“Of course,” he replied.   

Then he sighed, much like Michelangelo would, and I considered launching the book at him.  

A few seconds went by and he did it again.  

An electric jolt coursed through me, my muscles twitching.  I clenched my teeth as I set my pen to the paper.  

He started to hum.

Count to ten? My fingers curled and I closed the book, glaring at the back of his head. Maybe twenty?  

Then he began to whistle.

 My hand lifted, pulled back, and released.

The book flew towards him, but at the last second his fingers snatched it from the air and he grinned at me.

“What is your problem?” I snapped.  “I’m supposed to be on a spirit quest.  Which was _your_ idea.  And you didn’t want to stay with me because you thought you might interfere—”

He stood, walked around the fire toward me.

But I couldn’t stop my rant. “—and here you are, when I know you’re perfectly capable, making—”

He lifted me to my feet, guiding me toward the cliff where the world disappeared into the pitch of a moonless mountain night.  

“What are you doing?  What?  Have you decided to throw me over?” I complained as the firelight faded behind us, the world ahead an abyss, with a drop-off that meant certain death somewhere just ahead.  

My toes curled in my sneakers, and I leaned hard into his plastron but he guided me forward still, until I dragged my heels against the stone beneath them.  “Leo, what’re you doing?”

His hold was firm, but gentle, and he came to an abrupt stop, dropped his chin so his mouth pressed against the side of my head.  “You’ve been jumping and jittering since the sun slipped behind the mountain.  Every time the fire snaps you flinch like you’re being whipped.  Now, look ahead of you.”

I stared into the endless sea of black, felt like I was looking forward but seeing my past.  I knew there should be mountains… that they were there.  My soul looked at me from within, pounding her fists against my insides, screaming something I couldn’t hear for the blood rushing in my head.  I knew there was an end to the rock I stood on, but as far out as my eyes sought it, they couldn’t find a speck of light.  And without it, there was nothing to guide my way.  

I could easily fall over.

I lived on the edge.  

Loved and hated it.  

“What do you see, Karai?” He was using his cool, reassuring tone, and it strummed the chords of my fluttering heart, changed the melody of it.  

Gazing into the empty space before me, I felt a knot rise in my throat.  It was like a cage without walls.  And I knew plenty about dark, damp cells, some as bleak and hopeless as the pit I’d lived in under Saki’s mind control.  Trapped… inside myself, unable to control my actions.  

“Nothing, I see nothing,” I choked.

“Where are you, when you look out there?” His breath heated my cheek.  He gave me a reassuring squeeze and waited.

Where am I, when I look into nothing?  I pressed my lips together, felt the heat rush my eyes. “I’m a human trapped in the body of a snake, I’m a human trapped in my kidnapper’s dungeon, I’m trapped in myself,” my throat hurt, a great pressure building in my chest, “trapped in myself, unable to choose my own actions.  And it’s dark, colorless, cold, and—” I stopped, took deep cleansing breaths, but my heart hurt. “I’m alone out there, Leo.  It was just so… lonely.  And I never thought it would end, and nothing and no one could save me.”

He held me close, kissed the top of my head.  “Now, what did you do, when all of that happened to you?”

I dug my fingers into his forearms.  What did I do?  I slithered through the night, hunting, eating vile things.  I slept on dirty concrete floors, water dripping from a crack in the ceiling.  Inside my head, I stood silent, idle, while someone else drove.  In all of that, I breathed, in and out.  I was present, though through much of it, silent.  I was an onlooker.  I was one.  I existed.  “I survived.”

“Yes,” he kissed my cheek, squeezed me again.  “Yes, you did.”

“Until you saved me,” I said, staring into the past.

“No, Karai.  I came for you.  You saved yourself.”  His breaths were slight, controlled, soothing.  “Now, look up.”

I lifted my chin, felt the darkness fading, giving way to a sea of stars, perfect white and golden lights, tiny brilliant gems, like someone sprinkled the sky with glitter.  

What did I cling to all those long, arduous moments, waiting for the right opportunity, for the door to open?  Hope.  Truth.  Destiny.  There was a word for every single one of those shining lights, and together they formed a new path, a trail of circumstance and fate, strange and winding and like no other, my journey home.  

I leaned into Leo, turned to face him, felt his cheek against mine.  My insides released, like I had an anchor and it was okay to let go.  I inhaled the scent that calmed my soul, ran my fingers over tough green skin, my lips aching for the pressure of his.  Our breaths mingled, like our souls would meet, dancing between us.  

“Were you afraid then, Karai?” his lips ghosted mine.

Was I afraid?  No.  I’d been lonely, hated what I’d become, what had been done to me, all that had been stolen from me.  Maybe.  Perhaps I was.  I might’ve feared I’d die having never redeemed myself, never had a chance to learn who I really am, that I might never find myself.  

“No.  I wasn’t afraid,” I answered, my lips reaching for his, grazing a corner of them but not finding his reply.

“Then what are you afraid of now?” he asked, kissing my brow.

What does he mean?  Afraid of now?  I’m not!

I jerked back, felt my heel drop into space below.  My heart flailed, adrenalin rushing to my extremities, frantic breaths rushing in and out.  

But I wasn’t falling, never was.  He pulled me to him, my soul reaching for the loyal, noble creature holding me tight and safe in his arms.  His breaths heated my lips, and I sought him again.  Only he wouldn’t reach for me.  Wanted his answer and was going to get it.

My blood thrummed, hot and provoked.  Whatever the challenge, I would rise to it.  What was at risk, for me, entrusting my heart to him?  

I felt his smile against my lips.  

“I won’t be afraid of this…” But my voice trembled, despite my resolve.  

“What is this?” he demanded, his voice sending little vibrations over my mouth.  I pressed my aching lips together, desperate to taste him.

“I won’t fear loving you, Leonardo.”  My body was tingling, the edges of my vision blurring, even though I couldn’t see a damn thing anyway.  Truth was, if Leo was there with me, I didn’t need to fear anything.  We’d find our way.  

“Hmm,” he mused, lightly rubbing his face against my cheek.  “Then I won’t fear loving you either, Karai.”

I swallowed, tried to slow my erratic heart.  “Then why do I feel like we’re about to jump off this cliff together?”

He chuckled. “Because, in a sense, we are.”

 


	15. Interlude

~ There is no fulfillment that is not made sweeter

for the prolonging of desire. ~

-Jacqueline Carey

"What do you think he's going to say?" she asks, glancing below her. She moves a foot, then a hand as we descend the mountain. It was her idea to climb down the side of the cliff. Her equivalent of jumping off it, I suppose.

My dirt-coated fingers slide into a narrow crevice. A small brown puff wafts up, drifting into my nostrils. It tickles, but we are so precariously fixed to the side of this mountain, I don't want to sniffle. I glance up at Karai, just as she adjusts her footing, sending crumbles of mud falling from her sneakers right in my face.

I clamp my eyes shut, wait for the debris to stop, and wish she wasn't right overhead. The wind shifts, blows residual flecks in my already parched mouth. My tongue glides over my teeth trying to push grit out. With a smack of my lips a granule drags across a molar sending a jolt throughout.

"Ugh!" I protest, "I need a bath!" I look from the jutting stones, up to Karai, find my eyes traveling up her sculpted legs, drifting to the small dark space between her thighs and shorts. My pulse quickens while certain places tighten. My toes curl against rock, muscles flexing as I tremble in effort to both balance myself and keep my mind from straying. This is not the time or place.

Karai snorts. "Really? He's going to say we need baths?"

Huh? He, who? He? He—me?

"Leo?"

If she'd just put a shirt on, it would help. Will she ever put a shirt on?

She finds her grip quickly the next few stones, is going to pass me if I don't move. But I can't. That hollow between her legs, slight and dark, the frayed edge of her cut-offs lifting and dropping, whispering to me of places to explore... Her firm thighs, cream beneath a layer of coffee, warm, tender… my jaw clenches and I blink, as my body betrays me. I know she's getting suspicious.

"Are you sick?"

She's right beside me, her face parallel to mine. I swallow, trying to still my thumping heart, the damn thing lashing against my ribcage like a bull-whip. I shouldn't be here. I'm a distraction. This ache, this force suspended between us, seems to flow from one into the other, and it's building, gaining momentum, becoming something… _primal_. Not now. Not now.

"Leo!" she yells into the side of my head.

I flinch, groan, and press my mask, so drenched in filth it crunches, against the cliff.

"What is your deal?" she shoves her face close to mine, rushing my senses with faint scents of lavender mixed with earth, laced with sweat, and hints of rose… my breath hitches. No. The outline of my vision grows hazy, as reason clashes with need. Her _scent._

"Mmpf," I whine into the rock, feeling my muscles ache from clinging to the same spot for so long. Stop, Leo. Stop.

"You're sick, aren't you? You're a messed up shade of green right now, Leo. It's like you're turning into an evergreen you're so dark, even with all the dirt covering you."

Dirt… Soil… that was once mud… slippery, smooth, wet… "Mmpf." I glance at her in my periphery.

There's wind whipping over us, blowing wisps of hair against her smudged cheek. Not helping. My blood burns so hot I might combust. The word _taste_ thrums against my skull. _Taste_. Flavor. Grain and honey. Sweet and molten.

"Gah!" I bang my head against the stone wall.

"Get it together, Leo, we have a ways to go yet! You can get sick, fall apart, whatever it is you're doing, you can do it down there!" Her weight shifts then thin fingers grace my cheek.

My heart slams against my plastron, might burst out for all I know.

Her thumb moves back and forth, in a soothing motion, my breaths picking up the pattern.

"Leo, look at me, you're acting really strange."

I can't think. I can barely hear her, for the heat of her hand is singing my skin, seeping into me, blazing through me…

Snatching our tie-off rope in one hand, I cast away from the wall. On the downswing I snatch her up, whipping her around so her back is against the stone.

She gasps, but it's my breath that's fleeting. There's a pounding in my head as one hand catches a rock, the other cradling the back of her head. I rub my face against the crook of her neck, breathe her in, feel like I'm flying, or falling, maybe both. The elegant sweep of her flesh calls to me… _Taste_.

My lips purse tight, fingernails dragging over rock, plastron pressed tight against her. _Taste_. Honey, lavender, and earth… Her head tips to the side, her breath coming out in a shudder. The thrum of her pulse against my mouth is almost more than I can bear, her skin so delicate… I could… I could—hurt her.

My head snaps up, eyes searching her face. "Did—I—hurt you?"

Her eyes were closed, lips parted, my voice snapping her to attention. "What?" Her cheeks flush.

I realize now she's gripping onto my arms, tiny fingernails digging into the layer of clay; it chips, falls away to the valley below. I glance down at the fragile parts holding onto me, remind myself she has no natural armor. Unacceptable. This is unacceptable. I can't let myself go like this. And she hasn't answered me…

There's silence between us, nothing but the rush of wind, and our slowing breaths. Her eyes dart between mine, her mud-flecked brows pinching together. I swallow, wonder what I've done.

She shakes her head. "Well that's just great. _You_ have lost _your_ mind, while I'm trying to find _mine_."

What? "What's that supposed to mean?"

A shadow seems to creep across her face and I look to the sky, thinking maybe clouds are rolling in. See nothing but clear bright blue summer— OW! What—the— Her fingernails scrape across my skin, driving the crusting of dirt away, leaving furrows across my arms. "Ow! What—what was that for?"

I move to jerk away from her, find my footing slip. As I scramble for purchase she jabs my flailing foot with hers.

"Karai! What are you doing?" I protest, trying again, only for her to block me.

"I am no more a toy than you are, Leonardo! I won't have you trapping me in vulnerable places, getting me, all—," her eyes are flashing, teeth showing, while I'm still trying to hold us both, a rope, and find footing. "All—" her voice falls away, her hands fly up to my face, her lips crashing against mine.

 _Taste._ And I do, with arms straining to hold us, aching to roam over her, to feel her give beneath me. Her mouth is a warm, wet haven… I want to drink her in, savor her, devour her. I release one edge, cradle her face in my hand, slip my fingers in the tangles of her hair, marvel at the textures that make her up... soft, silky, smooth, all fire and fight… I trap her lower lip with mine, sucking before I release it, draw her breath into me, hear her moan, want to lose myself, think maybe I am.

Or maybe I'm already gone.

At this point I'm certain of only one thing—

I don't stand a chance.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I must disclose that this is NOT what I intended to happen here (thus the chapter title, I almost called it Leo’s Interlude. What is wrong with this boy?) I had a plan. I was guiding them somewhere. But, it would seem that Leo and Karai had one of their own. *shrugs* I surrendered to the muse. Now, I’m off to try again. See you next chapter.


	16. River

~ Love is anterior to life,

posterior to death,

initial of creation,

and the exponent of breath. ~

– Emily Dickinson

We were back on a trail.  Mountain descent was not a common practice.  It was dangerous, like jumping off a cliff.  My heart shivered, skipped a beat.  My fingertips brushed my lips, recalled the pressure of his mouth on mine.   _Flutter_.  

It took forever to get down.  I’m amazed we didn’t die… though it would’ve been a passionate way to go.  Drawing in a long breath, I studied the battered shell ahead of me.  He’d been so quiet, it was unsettling.  I drew my arms around myself, pondering what lay ahead both here and at home.  

When we emerged from this trek, we would have to face his brothers, and our father.  What would they make of this?  Us?  Would Splinter forbid it?  Would I obey him if he did?  

I stared at the scuffs, chips, and dents adorning his natural armor.  Moved closer, to better see. His scutes were covered in fine ridges, swirling with black, gold, taupe, and opaque pearl in places. My fingers reached for them—

He stopped, straightened.  

My gaze drifted from the unique blend of color, the perfect protection created by his own body, to where my other hand has wrapped around his arm.  

“What are you doing, Karai?”  His voice slipped over me like a much needed drink of water, cool, refreshing and I wanted to bathe in it.  

I wanted him to talk to me, to drown out the annoying sounds of the forest, to distract me from the blisters on my toes… to keep me from lingering on the fact that I wanted to run away with him; to not have to face our family.  I didn’t want to fight them for him.  My fingers curled around his forearm as far as they’d go; my knuckles white.  But I would.

He was the only constant in my life.  And I would draw blood for him.  

I flinched at the thought.  That’s not right.  That’s Saki’s thinking.  

“What will we do?”  I blurt out.

His mask shifted awkwardly on his face, rigid as if starched but far too dirty for that.  “What will we do, about—” his head moved towards me.  “About what?”

My gaze shifted to the forest beyond him, great pines reaching for the sky.  Only the one closest bowed, the trunk crooked and bent, its branches heavy with cones.  

How do I say to him, I think Splinter is going to tell us we can’t be together?  My stomach clenched.  Raphael hated me, would side with… my father.  What about Donatello?  Did his opinion matter?  My chest tightened.  I don’t think Michelangelo would care.  Would he?  I rubbed my hands on my thighs, the thin layer of clay coating them melting against my sweating palms.  

His face appeared beside mine, looked in the direction I was.  “What are we going to do about what, Karai?”

I pressed my lips together then ran my fingers through my hair, trying to tug loose the tangles and clumps of mud.  My nail caught.  I yanked it free, ripping off the end, pulled it to my mouth, sucking on the tip.  His hand wrapped around my wrist, lowering it.  He reached for my bicep, turned me to face him.  

I cast him a glance, looked away quick.  How do I say this?  What will he say?  What will we do? What is he willing to do?  I tried to turn, but he stopped me.  I sighed, my shoulders slumping.  I didn’t feel like bickering with him; needed to brace myself for war with our family.  Because I knew, I couldn’t survive this life without him, and while he’d tell me I could, I didn’t want to, wouldn’t be made to.  

My stomach churned as I swiped him away.  

He stepped back, held his hands up.  

A terrible ache rose in my throat, constricting my breath, pressing my heart.  I was suffocating. Couldn’t seem to find air without him anymore.  Didn’t want—to be alone, again.  Even worse, living right alongside him, yet unable to have him.  

He rarely defied his Master.  

What if Splinter denied us this?

And Leo wouldn’t fight for it?  

“Karai?”

I rubbed my face, found it wet, wondered what I was becoming.  Soft? Pathetic?  “What if Splinter—” I couldn’t look at him, didn’t want to see his reaction.  I left him standing there, made my way to the crippled pine, and started ripping off the cones.  

What would I do?  

I won’t stay.

It would be unbearable.

Watching him every day, training, sparring—swords clashing, clink of metal, test of skill, masterful… then peering into those cool blue eyes, catching my reflection in the steel, blurred by the heat of our combined breaths…. How in sync we became at times, an intricate dance of shadow and light, grace and beauty, both elegant and precise.  My heart trembled.  

I won’t be made to endure it.  

Wanting him, being denied of him.

We’d be trapped, like two bonded creatures torn apart, made to face each other but never touch.  How that would burn.  The agony.  The torment.  We’d be forced close during meals, struggling to navigate conversation that would otherwise flow easily, if left to our own devices.  My heart made a painful jerk.  

Because it could be easy between us, like it is here, free flowing like a river with its own current, every stone encountered, simply an annoyance in the wake of our path.

_Yank._

How could I make Splinter understand that?  What do I do?

What would happen to me if I couldn’t?

“KARAI!”  

The ground beneath me was crumbling.  

The curled pine blurred into focus, standing tall, its weight relieved, but I was dropping, air rushing over, slowing my decent by fractions.  I turned my head.  Oh, a river.  It’s not far below. I looked to the pine again, but found Leo diving toward me.

His arms wrapped around me, pulling me close, and he shifted our position, feet first.  I closed my eyes, pressed my face to his shoulder, as a great peace enveloped my heart— and I savored the fall.

We plummeted into the water like a bullet.  He yanked me to the surface, dragged me to shore, hovering over me with a scowl.  Then he opened his mouth and began to yell.  “What are you doing?  Did you not see the drop-off?  Could you not hear the water rushing over the falls?  What—were—you—doing?  Say something!”

The tails of his mask hung dripping over one chiseled shoulder.  His skin, cleansed by the river, shone a rich emerald, light catching every muscle, his blue eyes were sharp, cutting, and his mouth set in a disapproving frown.  All he needed to do was cross his arms, and pout.  But he couldn’t, because he held me in them.  I reached up, stroked his cheek.  He was so damn beautiful when he was mad.  

He glared at me.  “Why aren’t you paying attention?  You’re lucky it’s deep here, it could’ve been there,” he motioned a finger to the side, “and I’d be scraping you off the bottom of the river!”

I looked to where he was pointing, felt my heart stop.  Yes, there were stones jutting up from the water.  But it was the cascading falls beyond them clear, steady, and strong, spilling over drop after drop that took my breath away.  I lifted my shoulder, eager to dive in again to wash myself until every fleck of mud had slipped away, like the remnants of my old life.  Discarded, filed away, useless and forgotten… maybe not forgotten, but… over anyway.  

But he stopped me.  

“No way.  You look at me and tell me why the hell you attacked a damn tree?  Why you can’t finish a thought?  How you didn’t even notice your surroundings?  What’s going on in that head of yours?”

My fingers were sticky with sap.  There was a smudge of it where I touched his face.  The scent of pine rushed through my head, not as soothing as the sandalwood, but it was on him so I didn’t care.  His eyes widened, darting over my face as he waited.

I inhaled, worries gathering in my chest, and they weighed on my heart, as heavy as the pine tree had been.  “I just—” I looked at him.  

He raised an eye ridge.  

“What if Splinter refuses to accept us… together?”

He blinked.  

Seconds passed.

The sound of rushing water matched my racing pulse.  It would be wrong of me to ask him to go against Splinter’s wishes.  I would fight for him.  But I shouldn’t ask him to do the same, not with Father, not after everything he’s already done for me.  

A sinking sensation settled over me, my stomach became a boulder weighing me down, like I was nailed to the earth.  My heart ached.  What if in this moment he realized what he would and would not do for me?  What if this was the line drawn.  

Or, what if Leo was just a ghost, a spirit who was going to get up and drift away.  A phantom I dreamed up, a hero to save me.  And this was all a fantasy. Maybe I was still coiled beneath a billboard, watching litter tumble and roll away.  

A lost cause.

A forgotten one at that.  

“I don’t think he will, Hamato Karai.”  He ran his fingers through my hair, his gaze soft, open, soothing my reluctant heart.  His mouth curved into a sweet smile, one that strummed the chords of my soul.  “See,” he began, “when you lose someone you love, if fate should be kind enough to return them, you grab on, will do whatever it takes to keep them close, and won’t risk them slipping away ever again.  Whatever it is you want, so long as no harm comes to you as a result of it,” he shook his head, “I don’t believe he would deny you anything.”  His breath heated my lips, his voice sending little tremors through me— “I know I won’t.”

 


	17. Inquiry

~ Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes,

but when you look back everything is different. ~

–C.S. Lewis

Streaks of white-gold bled through the gaps in the trees along the river.  The steady flowing water bent and curled around every stone in its depths, all the while reflecting flawless beams like its surface had been sprinkled with diamonds.  Nothing could stop the flow of it, not the tree protruding from the red clay of the bank, sprawling over the center of it, nor the beaver dam just visible in the distance.  Because water was flexible, it adapted, and when blocked it simply sought another path. Water in many respects was the foundation and essence of life: with it one might thrive, and without, one would surely die. I think Karai was getting there, to that place deep in oneself that could be blocked, but she was evolving, growing and looking for other ways around.

There was a clarity in the mountains that I could never find in the city.  It was in the air, like the pulse of life humming to the tune of a different beat; one of rustling leaves, birdsong, the cadence of cicadas and chanting of tree frogs.  The breath of its winds laced with scents of pine, cedar, and of earth.  Invigorating.

Though I enjoyed all this place had to offer, there was an underlying thrum of adrenalin that coursed through me in the city.  The steady flow of traffic, tires squealing, rubber burning, horns blaring, yelling, cursing, and the smells… greasy fast food hanging over the underlying stench of garbage, somewhere between them the choke of exhaust, all carried on the winds above a five-story apartment building, at the top of which I found both peace and at the same time, the never-ending tether of responsibility that was my role.  

My life was complicated.  Is complicated.  It’s as difficult for others to understand my position as it is for Raphael to accept an insult.  Yet from the moment I met Karai, it seems she’d managed just that.  She even tempted me to stray from my path, to throw my responsibilities aside and behave with reckless abandon.  I’d been tempted by such a liberty, yet grounded by a deep-rooted belief that good, the best of me, and others, could prevail if we’d just let it. And if the need be, help it along.

She rested on the bank beside me, cleansed by a long swim in the river, staring into the clouds. Nimble fingers, tiny scars from old wounds adorning her knuckles, worked three strands of dandelions into a braid.  I’d never noticed the marks before.  We spent so much of our time together in the dark, on the run, in pursuit, or fighting… it had never been this… peaceful, and in any of the fleeting moments we’d found any calm, we’d never been in such pure light; so vivid that every battle scar adorning both of our bodies was on perfect display.

I turned my head to face her, knew she could see me in her periphery.  She kept weaving, one tubular stem across the other, her eyes fixed on the brilliant blues blending together in seamless fashion overhead.  Her hair was wet, although now free of leaves and clumps of mud.  

I rolled to my side, propping my head up with one hand, then stared at her inky locks, noticing how when in the daylight and clean, they were so black they picked up purple and blue casts in places.  The fingers of my left hand gravitated toward her head.

“Don’t even think about it,” she said, keeping her eyes fixed on the sky above her.

The corners of my mouth tipped up. “Why not?  It’s not like I have hair.  I enjoy feeling yours.”

She snorted.  “What am I, some kind of experiment for you?”  A sly grin formed on her lips.

What?  Seriously, if anyone should feel like that, it should be me! “No more than I am to you,” I reached a bit closer, my fingertips already curling toward her fine strands.

Her smile dissolved into a thin line, her fingers slowing to a halt.  “This thing between us has never been that for me.” Her eyes narrowed, shifted a split second as if she might turn to face me, but she changed her mind, kept them set to the heavens above her.  “Not to change the subject or anything, but there’s something I’ve always wondered.”

“Hmm?” I mused, watching her lips move as she talked.  Her skin had a fascinating porcelain smoothness to it. A small scrape on her cheek from one of her tumbles marred her otherwise flawless complexion.  My fingers landed on a longer lock of black near her temple.  Such a delicate, strange thing, hair… and it was in such odd places.  Even more remarkable than the long lashes sweeping her eyes were the dark wisps above them and the thin flesh in between, bare of make-up as it had been for a while.  

With a huff, she rolled her eyes, tossed her dandelions aside and swiped my hand away.  She shifted her position to sit upright, looking down at me.  I let my fingers fall to the grass between us, noting the cool mud just beneath the blades of green.  

“I asked you a question, and there you are not listening, _again_.” She glared at me.  “What are you even thinking about right now?”

I stared at her.  

Tell the truth.  Human hair is fascinating.  Go on, tell her.  But what if that makes her mad?  So what if it does?  But she was so happy, she’s been so relaxed here, and we’ll be going home tomorrow… What if she doesn’t adjust well when we get back?  What if Master Splinter isn’t as agreeable to us as I hope?  Wait, this seems really off from where I began.  Where did I begin? And when did she ask a question?  What was the question?  

Karai’s lips pursed, her shoulders squaring as she sat straighter then one eyebrow popped up. “ _You_ ,” she thrust a hand into my plastron, “are _unbelievable_.  You’re acting like Michelangelo with your daydreaming.”

Say something, Leo.  You’re digging yourself a hole here.  

Since when did not talking get someone in trouble?  

Karai snorted. “You know if you don’t want to answer me that’s fine.  I mean I didn’t think it was that big of a deal.  I just, I always wondered about it, and some other stuff.”

Do I ask her to repeat the question?  I can’t fake answer it.  Can I?  Maybe I can give one of those vague responses that could be an answer to anything.  Yes.  Yes.  That’s what I’ll do.

I sat up, brushed the mud from my palms and looked her in the eye.  “It’s not that big a deal, Karai.” I smiled, shrugged, and tried to change the subject.  “What else was on your mind?”

She stared at me, her eyebrows leveling, her mouth set in a flat line.  

Don’t move your mouth. Just wait.  Maintain eye contact. Whatever you do, don’t act shifty.

Karai blinked, gave a slow nod then licked her lips, pursing them, and making a chewing sort of motion as her head kept moving in a slow, agreeable manner.  For some reason I found the corners of my mouth falling a bit so that I was trying to force them to stay up, at the same time my body began to inch away from her.  

Karai rubbed her neck with one hand, over another fine white streak.  “So, you’re saying, it’s not that big a deal?” Her eyes locked on mine.  I swallowed hard, resisting the urge to get to my feet.

What do I say?  I’m not sure what it is I told her was no big deal?  I can’t take it back now.  What if whatever _it_ was _is_ a big deal?  What if it was important?

“Leo,” Karai stepped forward, planting one foot on either side of my legs, she bent over thrust her face in mine and the scent of earth, dandelions, and grass hit my nostrils.  My heart picked up a fluttering pace, my stomach clenching.  

“If it’s not a big deal,” she continued, “you won’t mind if I ask your brothers the next time I want to do it?”

Do it?  Do what?  What do I say now?  Agree with her.  Just agree.  “No, that’s fine.  When?”

Karai smiled so big her teeth showed, flawless and white, her eyes grew bright, her eyebrows perked.  “That’s great!  I’ll tell your brothers they’ll have to take turns, but you don’t mind sharing.  As long as they know your fine with it, I think we’ll all learn something from the experience.  Eventually, once I’ve been with each of them, maybe we can try it three ways!”

Take turns?  Three ways?  

Then for an instant, a split second, I saw it. She bit her lip struggled not to laugh, and I knew, I knew she was messing with me.  She reached out, pressed her fingertips under my jaw and shut my mouth.  

“That’ll teach you to pay attention,” she said, tapping my cheek then turning to walk away.  

Fix it, Leo.  Fix it.  I scrambled to my feet.  “Wait, Karai, I’m sorry.  I was, I was—”

She stopped, whipped around and jabbed me in the shoulder.  “You were what?  Huh?” She frowned, genuine hurt darkening the perfect honey-brown of her eyes.  “What were you thinking about, while I’m asking you about yourself?  Huh?  I mean I know you’re probably sick of my drama, so I think, hell, I should ask Leo something about himself.  And you know what I get for it?  You,” her voice began to fall, her fingers drifting towards her head, “you, playing with my,” she touched the strands, her gaze falling to the ground, her voice now a whisper, “hair.”

My throat became tight, my stomach a twisting churning knot.  Was this about the question or something else?  My hand twitched with the urge to reach for her, comfort her.  She stared at the woven dandelions by her feet, her eyes shining wet before she blinked them.  

You promised to be honest with her.  What are you doing?  Be honest!  

“I, uh, I didn’t hear your question.  I was, ahem, I don’t have any hair, so yours is— I was—  I like the way it feels, and I’m sorry.  What – what did you—” I wanted to reach out to her, but knew from the way her hand clenched and unclenched at her side, not yet.  “What did you want to ask me?”

A droplet gathered on her eyelashes, and she swiped it away with her palm.  “No one has ever touched me with the…” she hesitated, took a deep breath, held it, then it out slow, “…tender – the way that – that you do.  It… _affects_ me.”

I’ve never touched anyone the way I do her. But I don’t think it’s what she’s talking about, not the passionate part of it anyway.  

“Hugs… aren’t something Oroku Saki practices any more than a pat on the back or a handshake. In his household you exercise discipline. And hard work is rewarded with rank.” She swallowed again, then again, blinking furiously.  “Then there’s Splinter, you, and your brothers. You touch, a shoulder, a hand, you listen… you ask if you want to talk, you check in, look out for one another, help each other off the floor after a spar, and for the love of it all, you _hug_.” She threw her hands up, rubbed her face, then looked at me.  “Michelangelo has brought me food, Donatello entertainment, Raphael doesn’t say anything but he’ll look at me then give me this nod of his head, and I know what he’s saying because I can feel it.  And you, you’ve held me while I’ve sobbed, through every nightmare, every minute of it since you’ve brought me into your home.  I know you cover me with blankets at night, and that you leave cups of tea on the table by my bed.  You five are…” her voice trailed off, her eyes closing.  She pressed her lips together, swallowed a muffled sound.  

I reached for her, snatched her hand up before she could pull it away, knowing that if she resisted I’d only pull the rest of her to me.  “Family, Karai.  We’re family, and that includes you.”  

I expected her to struggle free of me, so when she stepped in, pressing her cheek against the side of mine I wrapped my hand around the back of her head and held her close.  

We stood together, holding each other in silence, until the tension of her body radiated from a blazing fire into fading ash.  

Her stomach growled and she groaned.

“Are you hungry?” I whispered, but did not move, didn’t want to, not with her breath against my cheek, stroking my heart with the tiny electrical impulses triggered by each inhale and exhale.

“I don’t want to be,” she replied, her lips grazing my flesh.

We stood, breathing each other in, savoring the moment…  

Then we heard it.

Brush snapping, branches cracking and popping in surrender.  A snort followed.  The ground beneath our feet grew a pulse, a tremble.  Our heads snapped up, eyes open.  

I scanned everything in my view; pines, maples, oaks, fallen trees, the canopy overhead, the river below…

Nothing.

That meant…

Karai stiffened against me.

“It’s a bear,” she whispered.  “A big… bear.”

A bear.  A bear.  “Okay.  Does it see us?”

“Yes,” she said as her hands flew up to my biceps, flinging her weight into me, then with a twist of her body she pushed me toward my katana, near the pile of my camping gear.  I rolled with the motion, snatching my beloved swords, turning, ready for a fight.

Karai had launched herself in the opposite direction, reaching for her tanto but seemed unable to find it.  I caught sight of the beast, as big as Leatherhead on its hind legs, stretching out at the forest edge, before letting out an earth-shaking roar.  It dropped to all fours closing in on Karai.  

“Weapon, Karai! Weapon!” I urged, scanning our surroundings for anything that offered escape.

“I’m looking!” she snapped, flinging content from her bag.

Escape.  Look for an out.

Trees.

Bears climb.

Water.

Bears swim.

Karai fumbled through her bag, frantic.  I’d look with her, but was more concerned with the fact that a bear was going to be on her in the next few seconds, she had no weapon; and as far as I could see we had no real means of escape.  

“Gah! Take one of mine!” I yelled, running toward her, ready to offer her one of my blades.  

She whirled around on her haunches, wide eyed and nodding. “Okay, yes!”

The bear saw me moving toward her and picked up pace.

No.

It’s too fast.

I’ll never get there in time.

I slid to a stop, launched one weapon toward her and changed direction, running toward the attacking animal.

 


	18. Heroine

~ If you don’t have any shadows you’re not in the light. ~

– Lady Gaga

What was he doing?  My heart clenched as Leonardo reached back, twisting his body into the launching of one katana.  I dove forward, catching the weapon, ready to rush to his side and face the beast ascending upon us, but Leo turned, changed his direction and charged the raging animal. 

My lungs closed, my mouth hanging open, desperate to call his name, but nothing came out.  My feet were moving, carrying me toward the struggle that was a flash of steel and fur, crimson of whose I could not tell. 

I hate this about him.  I hate it. The way he’s so damn ready to sacrifice himself, to be the damned martyr.  He doesn’t even think, not for one second, that I’d rather be the dead one.  Let him for once ponder the idea of being the one left behind, mourning and miserable, wishing circumstances were different and knowing, hopefully understanding that someone loved him enough…

Whose blood is it?  The bears or his?  How badly has it mauled him? 

My body moved with instincts ground in by a lifetime of training, katana yielding arms swinging with smooth, deliberate grace, slashing, and stabbing. The teeth of the beast dripped scarlet as it let out an ear piercing roar that sent a spray of it over my face.  My jaw shifted, muscles coiling and releasing, blade whirling. The bear reared, snarled, and swiped.  I parried, blocked its strike against my blade.  It growled as I attacked again, for its exposed belly. It dropped to all fours, turned and bolted into the woods. 

I stood, panting, the world shifting and tilting, blurring.  My heart pumped hard against my ribcage, while numb, adrenalin spiked fingers parted, dropping the blood-stained sword to the ground.  I swallowed gulps of air, my feet moving awkwardly as I pivot in a circle, scanning my surroundings in search of him. 

He lay in a heap, blood pooling around him, not ten feet from where I’d worked the bear back.  Each footstep toward him seemed to recoil in my head like gunshots. The sensation reverberated through my body as if I’d been struck. 

“L-l-leo?” My voice was a strange foreign sound, my fingers trembling and coated in coppery scented fluids, reached for his arm.  “Say something.”

“Mmm,” he moaned.

I rolled him to his shell, found blood spurting from somewhere on his neck and shoulder, maybe everywhere, it was hard to tell for the way it pumped.  Pumped.  Was it an artery?  I pressed my hands against the cool of his skin, feeling for openings.  Was his skin always this cool?  Should it be?  I glanced over my shoulder to where my clothes were strewn about. 

“I’ll be right back.” I promised, lifting my hands from the wounds I’d yet to pinpoint, sprinting for anything material I could get my hands on, and taking it back to him.    

I pressed a wadded up shirt to his neck, cringing as it seeped a deep maroon, spreading out like a flower blooming in fast forward.    
  
“Talk to me, Leo.  Say something.” I licked my lips, finding my mouth dry, and my stomach turning.

“It’s okay,” he mumbled, opening his eyes, only to have them lolling around, before fluttering shut again.  He took a slow labored breath, then his jaw shifted and with some effort he lifted his unwounded arm, placing his hand over mine. 

I stared at those three large digits, thought they might be the most perfect thing I’d ever laid eyes on, and found the world a blur, like looking through a windshield on a rainy day.  I couldn’t look away from his fingers, gentle, deliberate…

Blinking, swiping my eyes, blinking again, the downpour continued.  I lifted the cloth, found the sight of the puncture that gushed like Old Faithful.  How much blood can a turtle lose and live?  I have to stop the bleeding.  How do I do that?  I looked around again, keeping pressure on the wound.  How do I do this and whatever else at the same time?

“Karai,” he panted. “What, what was your question?”

My lip trembled, my heart clenching like a knot pulled tight.  I’m not going to lose him.  I’m not.  “It doesn’t matter.  Don’t, don’t worry about that.  I’ve got to stop this- the bleeding.”  I spied the long, trigger-style lighter we’d been using for our campfires, strewn among my belongings. 

“It matters, to me.” His breaths became deep, labored.  My entire body took on a sinking sensation as I pulled my hand from beneath his, and pressed down.  “You’ve got to hold this pressure for one second, Leo.  I’ll be right back.”  I pushed his hand harder against his neck and shoulder area.  “Hold it now.”

I ran for the lighter, another scrap of clothing, and out tumbled my tanto.  I snatched it up, and dove back to his side, sliding to a stop beside him like a batter hitting a home run.  My blade was clean, and I held the lighter to it, ran it up and down around the end then held it to the flame.  I looked from the heating metal to where his hand was slipping from his shoulder. 

I reached down, placed it back against the wound.  “Help me, Leo!” I screamed then snapped my mouth shut, grinding my teeth together.  If these are his last moments, I don’t want them to be of me yelling at him.  I changed the position of my body to press my knee against his shoulder, applying pressure to the wound with my body weight as I continued sterilizing the blade.  It needed to be hotter, but the lighter wasn’t staying lit anymore and he couldn’t wait.  I pulled the cloth back and touched the tip into his wound.  His shoulder lifted as his mouth opened in a silent scream.  I pulled the blade back, the scent of burning flesh hitting my nostrils, causing me to retch. 

Bile rose to my throat, and I swallowed it down, determined to finish what needed to be done.  The bleeding slowed and I looked toward his bag, scattered along the tree line.  He would have a first aid kit. 

I retrieved his bag, found the kit still zippered in its front pouch, a suture pack inside it.  I set to work on his lesser wounds, hoping it would be enough.

*

Nightfall crept over us, somewhere in between my setting up camp, and lighting a damn-near bonfire, to be certain the bear stayed away.  Not to mention anything else that might creep in to take advantage of our situation. 

I found Leo’s sleeping bag, and tried to make him as comfortable as I could.  We were out of bottled water.  Of course.  I boiled a container worth of river-water over the smallest part of the fire, let it cool and sat beside his head.

“Leo, you need to drink something.” I stroked his cheek, listened to the sound of his breaths, grateful that they’d slowed to a steady albeit slower than normal rhythm. 

The flames cast shadows over his inhuman face, one that any normal girl might’ve been afraid of.  One sweet face that was round or flat in places, with human-like green lips, and reptilian nostrils steadily opening then closing to the pure delight of my heart.  I leaned forward, inhaling his breath, found the scent of copper still oppressing, but beneath it, his own natural scent, one so distinct, it could only be him. 

My lips gravitated to his brow, my fingers creeping behind his head to untie his mask.  I tied it around my neck then stared at his beautiful bare face.  How young he looked, his features smooth, his closed eyelids bearing no wrinkles in their corners. 

I slipped my hand behind his head again, and pressed.  “Leo, wake up, you need to drink some water now.”

He moaned, then with some effort his eyes fluttered.  “Karai, I had the strangest dream.”

“Hmm,” I replied. 

He winced as I guided him more upright, and brought a large soup spoon full of water to his mouth. 

“You’ve got to snap out of this, Leonardo. We have a long way home, and I’ll tell you one thing’s for sure.”

His blue eyes opened, closed, then he fixed them on me, glazed, albeit a breathtaking midnight blue, his pupils a mirror of the stars in the sky behind me. 

“What’s that?” he managed, trying to hold himself up, then leaning heavily into my hand so I had to lower him down.

“I’m not going home without this team’s leader.”

*

For as hot as summer days could be, mountain nights were chilly things, that left gooseflesh over my shoulders and my body curled as close to Leonardo as I could get.  I opted to sacrifice my sleeping bag to cover him, in part because I could not lift him to get him inside his. I’d only managed to get it beneath him.  This was all fine and good while the fire had been burning, but now it was a pile of fading embers, any heat it offered long gone. 

Cool lips pressed against the side of my face, and I opened my eyes to him staring at me.  He lifted the sleeping bag, drew me closer and pulled it down so that it covered me.  For the first time since the attack I took a breath so deep I felt the air hit the back of my lungs, and when I let it out every muscle in my body fell slack. 

“So, you gonna be okay?” I asked, finding my throat still very tight.

“Mutants heal faster than humans.” He murmured, his breath heating my throat.  My eyes closed, at the sound of his voice, the sweet smooth sound like a gentle caress. 

“Good,” I tried to sound indifferent, but wasn’t sure why I bothered, not when I was pressing my body as close to his as I could, desperate to feel the temperature of his skin, assuring myself of his life. 

“You, uh,” he shifted me, kind of like he was trying to tuck me under his good arm, and I rest my cheek against his plastron, found my fingers tracing the ridges of it.  “You never asked me your question.”

Seriously?  Did he ever let anything go?  I sighed.  “Why are you the leader?  And I don’t mean because Splinter appointed you.  But why did he pick you?”

I glanced at his mouth, saw it curling into his trademark smirk, only it went a little wider, as if he were remembering something special to him.  “Because I asked him.”

Oh. 

“Why?  Why did you want to be the leader?  Why did you want the responsibility?  I mean Donatello’s brilliant and capable, Raphael is strong and no imbecile.  Why, you?”

His fingers moved, began stroking my arm.  “At the time, that is, when I asked, I just wanted to be a hero.” He let out a low laugh then winced.  “Uh, like Captain Ryan.”

“Captain, who?” I asked, my head ducking deeper into the crook of his good arm. 

“Oh, Hamato Karai,” he clucked his tongue, “you will learn.  I will teach you all about Space Heroes.” He gave me a gentle squeeze then inhaled and exhaled.  His voice became soft, serious.  “It wasn’t long before I learned what it really means to be a leader.  That it is my responsibility to bring each member of my team home, that if we fail, or I lose one of them, I am accountable for it.  I have to find the way out, use every resource, think fast, be at my very best and three steps ahead.  And I’ve learned that sometimes, all of that goes right out the window. I’ve got to be in the moment doing the best I can, even if that means putting myself in the worst situation for the greater good.” 

He opened his mouth to continue, but the knot gathered in my throat and my fingers covered his lips, stilling him. “Have you never thought that, maybe you _are_ the greater good, Leonardo?”

His eyes met mine.  “Not for a second.”

His words made my hands clench, my muscles bunching and gathering.  I rolled to face him, never breaking eye contact.  “I know what it means to be leader, Leo.  At one time I had a team.  But I was a stupid girl trying to impress a cruel, cruel man.  I watch you, lead your brothers, Casey, and April…” I shook my head, “Raphael may be first in the fight, just as ready to sacrifice himself, but for him, it’s not always the cause, but for the people he loves.  For you, it’s that you are so damned noble you feel it’s your duty to lay down your life for the cause, from saving the planet—”

He lifted his finger to my lips, a sweet smile on his face.  “To saving the girl.”

I glared at him, wanted desperately to punch him in wounded shoulder.  “It was me that saved you this time.”

He gave a slow nod.  “Yes it was.” He agreed, lifting his head, his mouth hovering near mine. “So what does that make you?”

“Stupid,” I replied, my lips aching in a trap that was the haven of Leonardo, my Leonardo.

He let out a low chuckle, whispering just before our mouths met, “Not at all, my heroine.”


	19. Home

~ Letting go means to come to the realization

that some people are part of your history,

but not part of your destiny.  ~

– Steve Maraboli

 

Dear Journal,

I thought you were the dumbest idea Leonardo ever had.  Well, except for the stupid spirit quest.  I want to still think that.  I want to hate you, because you sit there staring at me from my desk, beckoning me to come write in you.  And the things that pour out of me when I pick up that damned pen… They hurt.  They make me feel.  

The same way he makes me… feel.  

And it sucks.  And I hate you.  I want to scribble over the words until they can’t be read, then I want to tear out the pages and burn them to purify myself of the hell that I’ve written.  That I’ve lived.  That I survived.  Of the wounds I still bear, and the scars I will always… feel.  

This whole experience has immersed me in that ignorant four letter word and I loathe it.

FEEL

It goes against everything I was raised to do.  To open up the beating muscle in the center of my chest, to breathe in the cool breath that is life, braced to accept whatever it offers in the day, and along the way to know that he is right there, arms open, ready to catch me if I fall, ready to love me even if I fail.  And the honor of that, of him, sometimes it’s more than I can bear.  

But he accepts me as I am, and I write about that here, in you.

And I hate you for it.

I hate him for it.

I do.

Because the kind of four letter words you and he provoke, they’re a pain in my ass.  They’re weak, full of drama, angst, and crap!  And it hurts.  Many days it hurts so bad I can’t breathe, and yet you’re right there, he’s right there, and we get through it.  

How can I ever repay that?  I don’t deserve such patience, such compassion, such… forgiveness.  

The world is bright.  It’s full of color… sometimes it’s so damned bright I squint as I look into it.  It’s warm and shining… vivid and clear.  The birds don’t bother me so much anymore, of course, we aren’t in the woods now so that has a lot to do with it.  

But so does his voice.  

When everything around me is closing in like a tornado, I’m able to close my eyes and visualize his… those clear blue gems, like the best of summer days.  Then I can hear it, that smooth tone, laced with a hint of arrogance that when it’s aimed at someone else amuses me, and when it’s directed at me, finds us in the dojo glaring at each other over the flash of steel.  

It’s fulfilling.  It’s satisfying.

We had this talk on the way home from the quest, and it took forever getting there, in part for his wounds, and because I don’t think either of us wanted the journey to end.  So much uncertainty faced us, in many ways.  But then it does everyone, doesn’t it?  

And we worried for nothing.  Our family knew, I think before we did, and my father, as Leo hoped, supported us… with many ground rules, but we managed.  

Anyway, I’ve been staring at you on my desk now for weeks, knowing I might forget this, and should write it down before I did.  Then I didn’t want to write it, because I hate you.  

You signify a journey that although I now look upon fondly, it hurt, and left me open and exposed.  It changed me.  And that… scares me.  You make me confess things that I don’t want anyone to know, but at the same time, I think someone should.  And sometimes I have to read you, to remember where I was and how far I’ve come.  

So here I am.  And this is that conversation, the one Leo and I had just before we made it home…

The bugs weren’t biting.  And for once the birds, cicadas, and frogs had faded to a low cadence, like a filter had been placed between Leo and me and the world we walked through.  The dirt beneath my sneaker puffed up in delightful brown clouds, drifting and settling over his green feet moving in silent rhythm with mine.  

The sun warmed my shoulders, yet a fortunate breeze, offered by the waving cover of the forest sheltering us, cooled my neck.  We moved hand in hand, what remained of our gear carried mostly on my back.  On occasion he would offer to carry it, but I refused because of his injury.   And he respected me.  

The path ahead had grown into a familiar flat, smooth brown trail that wound through the field by the pond.  The farmhouse was just over the hill in the distance, the roof’s edge peeking above the summit.  I dropped our bags by the pond, planted his katana in the ground aside us and demanded he sit and talk to me a while before we finished the trek home.  My stomach fluttered and trembled at the thought of getting back to the real world.

“It’s going to be okay, you know,” he tried to assure me.

Whether it would or would not be mattered little at this point.  We were on the doorstep of the next part of our journey and like him I would not fear it.  Besides, we’d promised to get through whatever befell us, together.  And if I ever believed a soul with anything, I believed Leo, and he deserved my faith in him.  He’d earned it.

“Hey,” he said again, “it’s going to be okay.”

“I know,” I replied, sprawling out in the tall grass, plucking a strand of it, before tying it into knots.  “Leo, what was my – What was Splinter like, you know, when you were little?  What kind of—” a lump formed in my throat, and I swallowed but it would not shift.  “What kind of dad was he?”

Leo lowered himself beside me, lay back, and with some effort moved his good arm behind his head.  “Karai, you know, you’ll get to know what that’s like, if you let him.”

The knot took a drastic leap up behind my eyes.  “No, it won’t be the same.  We’ll be lucky if we can salvage something.  But, I’m not a little girl anymore.”

I glanced at Leo, found him looking at me, a small frown on his mouth.  I blinked, brushed my palm against my eyes and sniffed.  “Now, go on.  Tell me.  It’s okay, I want to know.”

I did want to know, even as he opened his mouth and the words he spoke hurt in the center of my chest like Shredder had stolen me all over again.  Like maybe the life that could’ve been mine died in the fire with my mother, and from the ashes of it all a new life had been born, one that ended with me lying next to the most amazing creature I’ve ever known, and part of me found solace in that.

“This one time Michelangelo—” Leo began.

He talked for hours, one story bleeding into another.

“Raph tried to stop him and got hurt.  Master Splinter cleaned the wound, gave him a hug and told him it would be alright.”

Every story was as loving as the one before it.  

“This other time, Donnie was sick and Master Splinter—”

He spoke of Splinter’s nurturing, his playing the role of mother, father, physician, and educator.  He spoke of unbelievable poverty, of illness with little to no available treatments in deplorable conditions, and downright scraps for food.

“I’ll never forget the first time he placed my katana in my hands, and told me I’d earned them.  That he was proud of me.”

No matter which way each tale ended, he assured me again and again, but it was clear he didn’t need to. “He’s a good father, Karai.”

I rolled to my stomach, parting the tall grass between my hands, staring off at the peak of the house in the distance.  All we’d had stolen from us was neither of our faults.  All that I would never know—I looked beside me—it had been given to someone else… who needed and deserved it.  And that had to be enough.  

Some things I might never let go of.  I know I’d never forget.  But I had right now.  We had right now.  Leo was courageous.  He faced every day fighting for what he believed in, despite the odds, no matter what he looked like, even knowing what he could never have.  The limitations he faced, given who and what he was.  But he got up every day, and faced life.  

And he was happy, despite all of it – his burdens, his responsibility… all that he’d survived and might have left to face.  This family was courageous, and if I was to be any part of it, I could not fear opening my heart to them.  With Leo beside me and the promise of the loving parent I always wanted just within reach, I would not.

“Leo,” I said, rising to my knees then standing on my feet.

“Yes, Karai?” he answered.

“Take me home.”

So there, dear journal.  I hate you… I love you… and thank you.

Forever,

Karai

 


	20. Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, don’t hate me guys. I’ve never ended a story this way before. But I’ve felt this was the right ending for this one for quite a while now, and it came to me, pretty clear. So I let it be. Forgive me, it is quite bittersweet.

The damage was permanent; there would always be scars.  

But even the angriest scars faded over time,

until it was difficult to see them written on the skin at all,

and the only thing that remained,

was the memory of how painful it had been.  

– Jodi Picoult

 

Fading stalks of tall green ruffled and blew, seedy stems rustling in the breeze till it all bowed to the right.  Precious, golden beams splayed the gathering gray clouds, falling over the sea of chartreuse that shivered in rhythm with the leaves trembling on their branches; in time with the beating of my heart.  

Sometimes, the wind would blow and carry with it memories.  I didn’t always have a picture for them.  But I felt them.  A tide of emotion, as vast as the field itself, snaked its way around my insides and squeezed, wrung unbidden tears from my eyes.  

I settled in his favorite spot, near the pond.  Remembered the day he announced my spirit quest.  I’d been so dead inside.  Even wanted to die.  But his commitment, his conviction, it had lifted me up, and he carried me home.  The lump rose to my throat, a familiar painful thing, and it ached…  I swallowed, but it lingered, and I accepted it.  

The earth was damp beneath me.  Cold, hard, unforgiving.  Like the first half of my life had been, until he’d come busting in like a blue-clad knight… when at first, he was really just a misfit kid. But, for all my faults, so was I.

The air picked up again, pushing the clouds together so they smothered out the light.  I wanted to lift my hands and touch them, demand that they part, that they let him shine.  Felt my soul clench and wither, tilted my head to the sky and blinked, but couldn’t see a damn thing for the waterfall that never failed.  

I could almost feel that perfect, solid shoulder against my cheek.  My fingers rose to the scrap of blue around my neck, lifting it so I could breathe him in.  I closed my eyes, inhaled the fading remnants of sandalwood.  Brought it to my lips, tasted the salt of my tears.  

It didn’t seem real, but it never had.  Some days I could feel him with me, grounding me, carrying me, holding me, and telling me I could go on.  I would go on.  That he loved me, and together we would conquer anything in our way.  And in many ways we did.  

I felt the smile on my face, even with the terrible ache in my heart.  If I ever thought I hurt before, it paled in comparison to this.  

My hand gripped the hilt of his sword as I lay back, resting it against my chest, holding it to me like it was him.  The blade had long dulled, from the many battles we’d fought, side-by-side, honor-bound, and determined.  And always, whether we struggled with one another, or our worst enemy, without fail, together we were victorious.  

I wrapped my fingers around the worn leather, could almost see his thick green hands holding it. I lifted the weapon, pointed the tip toward the sky.  “Part, damn you.  I can’t see him clearly.  And I’ll have nothing in my way.”

Yet the clouds held tight, like a curtain drawn.  My light had gone out.  My lip trembled, more tears escaping as I lowered the katana, drew it close.  It would never shine again.  I felt my gut clench, my fingers squeezing the hilt so hard my nails dug into my palms.  I thrust the sword aside, scrambled to my knees and screamed.  

“I said part, damn you!  Damn you!”  I choked, gasped as a sob broke free.  “I said… part.” I sniffled, my breaths coming out in short, painful, pants.  “I can’t.  See him.”

And he was my guide.  My way.  My path.  My entire life had changed the second I met him, but our life together, it began here.  Right here.  And in all the years we’d spent together we came back here, grateful for it.  

My face burned with tears, my throat raw.  “Please… let me see him.”

Please let me see him…

_“Please let me see you,” I pleaded through the door._

_His breath was raspy.  “But I haven’t been able to see you in so long.  What does it matter to look at one another?”_

_“Leo, please.  I need to talk to you.” I turned the knob, pushed open the door and Donatello pulled the blanket higher over his brother’s plastron, then he shook Raphael’s shoulder, and guided Michelangelo from the room._

_I sank into the chair, near the bed, held his hand to my face, savored the scent of sandalwood, but hated the unusual cold and off-green of his skin.  His fingers parted, stroked my cheek and I leaned into it, kissed his palm._

_His chest rose and fell, then stopped, and I thought he’d left me.  Then it rose again and he breathed, “It’s been a good life, Karai.”_

_I clamped my eyes shut, held my breath, barely seeing the small smile on his face through endless tears._

_“Here, I want you to take care of this for me,” he let go and I felt bare without him.  His fingers tapped the edge of the bedside table, then slid over it until they hooked around the worn blue material.  He tucked it in the palm of my hand, closing my fingers over it, then let out a frail laugh.  “You get my swords too, Karai.  I don’t know anyone with half as much skill as me.”_

_“As you?” I scoffed, and kissed his palm again._

_“You’re part of me, so yes.”  He pushed himself upright, his beautiful blue eyes staring straight ahead, vacant.  But he didn’t need them.  He’d mastered his art, and in the process, his life, and in doing so, had a flawless sense of the world around him._

_My heart swelled as he reached for me, pressed his lips to mine and I tasted the sweetness of him, even as I breathed him in and wanted to melt like a girl again.  But where he once would lift me up, weightless in those arms, now they were withered, wrinkled with age, worn and scarred from battle.  And he sighed, leaning against me as I lowered him back in his bed.  I lay my head on the rough keratin near the spot I’d rubbed a small smooth circle in one corner of, my fingers repeating the motion I’d done for years, all the while I could feel him slipping away from me._

_“I don’t want to be here without you,” I whispered for the hundredth time._

_He laughed, the sound so feeble fresh tears rushed me.  It wouldn’t be long.  “Oh, Karai, we are old.” He stroked my hair.  “You didn’t think we’d live forever, did you?”_

_My fingers froze mid-circle, tears slipping down my cheek, dripping onto his mottled pale green skin.  “I’d kind of thought we could fight it off too.”_

_I didn’t have to look to know the smile on his face.  He pressed his lips to the top of my head. “Take me to our place, Karai… that I might wait for you there.”_

“Please, part… I can’t… see him.  Please, I need to see him,”  I pleaded, aching to feel his arms around me one more time.  To walk with him on my way to find myself, with the only one who knew what I needed before I did, for him to show me I could be everything I wanted because it was in me all along.  To be with my best friend, my safe place to turn, my soft place to fall.  I needed him, had a gaping hole where he should be, where he’d been, where part of him would always be.  

I crawled over to his final resting place, marked by my katana’s twin, and laid beneath it, pressed my fingers to the earth.  Every breath hurt.  

Then a soft breeze wafted over, cooling my tear-stricken cheeks.  It was laced with sandalwood etched with the grace of steel.  The scent was like balm to my insides.  I felt the warmth of those flawless golden rays before I opened my eyes, and I felt him before he spoke to me.  

“It’s been a while, Hamato Karai,” his voice was strong, clear, and vibrant; like he’d been through most of our life together.

He touched my cheek and I gasped.  Everything stilled, something snapped, and broke.  A strange breath pressed free… then everything fell into place.  

I opened my eyes, lifted my chin, and he held out a hand to me.  I was shaking as I set eyes on the youth I’d fallen in love with so many years ago, bathed in the purest light.  At last my soul was soothed, and I felt whole again.

He smiled and I reached out my hand to him, expected to see the frail, bare knuckled, bony thing that I’d been looking at for years.  Only I was my best version of me, a young, strong-willed girl again.

“Come on, Karai.  Let’s go conquer forever,” he lifted me to my feet, almost tossing me in the air like he used to.

“Another spirit quest?” I laughed, savoring the rich green of his skin, the bright blue of his eyes, every perfect inch of him, alive and well, and within reach… I’ll never let go again…

He nodded, “The best kind, one that never ends.”

I took a step toward him, grateful that nothing hurt anymore.  I was young, eager and ready to go on an adventure with him.  “Where are you taking me this time, Fearless?”

He shook his head.  “Oh, Karai,” he laughed and the sound, which I’d missed so much, lifted me up, made me complete.  “It’s not me who’s fearless, not between the two of us.”

“It’s not?” I linked my hands with his, looked up in those gorgeous eyes, loving the mask-less bare face that was his.

“It never was.  It’s you, it’s always been you.” He lowered his mouth to mine, and though I disagreed, savored the sweetness of him, had missed the feel of him, and wanted it truly be forever.  “You will always be fearless to me,” he whispered against my lips.

He pulled away, looked over his shoulder, and we turned toward a light so brilliant I couldn’t see what lay ahead.  

And not caring where it might take us, so long as we were together…

I followed him.

~Be Fearless~

 

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to Ravenshell for beta reading this piece for me.  
> Also, I do not own TMNT.


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